Have You Ever Done The Hokey Pokey of Life?

Accompanied by "The Hokey Pokey".

Everyone knows these famed lyrics (insert lyrics here as I'm not putting them in my blog! haha http://bussongs.com/songs/hokey_pokey.php). We sang them as children most likely in a big circle in kindergarten (or perhaps in a bar as well as adults?), but have you ever really thought about what they mean? Well after a week of ups and downs I started to think about the lyrics and coined my week the Hokey Pokey of Life  week. Most of my life I've waited for the ball to drop any time something good came along, as it generally did. Whether it was boyfriends, plans, jobs, potential exciting happenings of life, things just seemed to end suddenly and it was hard to take. For the last month I've been feeling really great about where my life has been heading. I found love in writing, been to some great events and just generally have been feeling happier and more confident these days! I have felt like I'm moving forward rather than laying stagnant in one position and I feel a zest for life again. However with that said, this past week has been rather difficult, as many obstacles were thrown at me.

First Obstacle: My dog was put down which was really hard to deal with. I did not think I would feel like I did but being in the room with him was the toughest thing I've had to do in a long time.

Second Obstacle: A bit of rejection. Well being rejected four times in a row more specifically. I'm cool.
My mind's interpretation - I'M GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER!!!

Third Obstacle: My Much Music interview fell through due to scheduling conflicts. Boo.
My mind's interpretation - I feel like I've failed the magazine.

Now I know these obstacles are not big in some people's eyes (except for my dog), but when they are bunched together, the whole combined experience just deflates you. I wonder "why can't life just keep moving forward, instead of forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards?? BAH!" Since childhood I've gone through some pretty volatile times with my family, and was sexually assaulted and sexually harassed in my late teens/early twenties. The last years or so have also been pretty stressful. I have never felt that feeling of stability because something was ALWAYS occurring that set me back a hundred steps. I felt like giving up A LOT! but kept on going with plenty of support behind me which I'm truly grateful for. I seemed to always pick the harder road and I'm learning to change that. It was hard seeing certain people sail through life with ease, achieving all their goals, and getting everything they wanted. I couldn't help but think "why does all this shit have to happen to me??" To put things in perspective (when I started to go down that path of thinking), I thought about all the people that had it much worse than I did and from there I just kept trying to improve my life.When things started going well this month and then these obstacles were presented to me, I thought to myself..."I'm doing the damn Hokey Pokey!!!" When I put one foot in (forward), I end up having to put one foot out (backwards) - or more like my foot was being forced out! I became frustrated and rather down on myself. I started to think "maybe this writing thing isn't for me. I can't make it in life doing this. I don't know what to say!" I was falling back into a destructive thought pattern that I wanted to escape from. Fear was setting in. My mom gave me some advice and said to me that I need to stop taking things so personally. So I thought about it and YES. That is correct. I am not giving up on this dream and will face many obstacles along the way that I have to just let roll off my back. Sometimes it's just difficult to not take things personally.
    When I was reading other interpretations of the song I saw one that suggested it being a song about committing yourself to life. I thought this interpretation also reflected my own life! As my life has gone on, I've had a hard time committing to one idea for many aspects of my life. Whether it was taking a risk in something I love, making plans, finding a new job, or dating, I put one toe in and kept one toe out, afraid to put my whole foot or self in, in fear that I will fail or I will be rejected (or that I will make the wrong decision that will keep me stuck in a situation I don't want to be in - which I've mentioned before). In doing that I haven't allowed myself to really see what COULD happen. When I went to Arizona I was told to make an intention of what I wanted to happen in my life for the next year and stick with it (as I've always scattered myself in many different directions). Scattering yourself all over the place doesn't really allow you to master anything and leaves you up in the air most of the time. SO that's why the writing came in and that's the mindset I came into Ontario with on April 12th, 2011. I decided from that day on to really keep my mind set on my intention, and I can really say that since doing that things have started to unfold. I've met people in the industries I'm interested in, have started my blog, have joined the internship, have been to many cool events, have met lots of cool people and have been able to socialize with people of like minds! Through enduring the trials and tribulations of my life I have learned to fight and to survive and to get through hard obstacles. This new journey isn't going to be without it's own roadblocks and I just need to keep that in mind and roll with it once they come. I suppose last week was just an off week and that's OK to have as well :) So from this day forward I'm going to continue toooooo:


Put my whole self in,
Put my whole self out;
Put my whole self in,
And shake it all about.
I'm sure I'll be doing the Hokey-Pokey,
and turning myself around.
but that's what life is all about :)

Sorry for the delay in writing!!!! I hope this one didn't make anyone too depressed! Have an amazing long weekend everyone!!!! I'm loving this weather! If anyone is going to Ottawa and sees Will and Kate...blow a kiss to Will from me!!! :)

Love you all! xoxo

Have You Ever Been To The MMVA's??

Accompanied by MMVA's Video 2011.

I've decided to make my Have You Ever Blog about the MMVA's tonight because...well...it was cool!!

SO...the MMVA's!!! A pretty exciting time for me as I actually was able to secure a media pass for the event (representing canadianspecialevents.com). I never would have thought that this would happen so I was pretty stoked when I received a confirmation from the media relations lady. Going into the night I really didn't know what to expect. I found out my two areas of access were the press areas...which to me meant nothing. All I could picture was a bunch of people squished together clammering for attention. Eek. This thankfully wasn't the case.

On the morn of June 19th I woke up rather groggy, and had to go to work at 9:45 at Marish's. It was Father's Day so the cafe was jam packed! Yippee. I was trying to remain focused on my tasks at work which I think went pretty well until 2:30 rolled around. I was getting kind of nervous for the evening's events and just wanted to get out of work to start getting ready. I had only decided the night before what I was going to wear, and my shoe shopping escapade on the Friday before my big day was a huge FAIL!!! This was not surprising as buying shoes for me is like trying to kiss your own ass. Impossible (except maybe for those Cirque du Soleil people). This meant that I had to wear the most uncomfortable shoes I own...AGAIN. Eff. More blisters ANNNNDDD lack of mobility. Sweet. I got off work at 3 and to avoid driving people away due my pungent bacon smell I jumped in the shower as soon I got home. On the email I received, it said that registration for media was between 9 a.m. and 9 p.m and that we had to come early to get a good spot (or something along those lines). Well...what the hell does that mean? What does a SPOT mean??? So needless to say I started rushing to get ready and did it in pretty good time I must say. I chose a turquoise dress that I bought from New York (which I've worn before and felt comfortable in). I let my hair air dry to get some sort of wave and it actually worked! Excellent...now I didn't have to make any more effort with my damn hair!!!! I made a final run through of all the things I needed to bring to the big event before I left my apartment.

1) Camera. Check.
2) Recorder. Check.
3) Notepad. Check.
4) A pen this time. Check.
5) Make-up to beautify myself. Check.
6) Phone. Check.
7) My actual purse on my arm. Check.
8) My brain. Half check.

All ready. By 4 p.m. I was on my way to Kipling subway station to take the train in. Traffic would have been horrendous getting into the city, and since I had a "spot" to secure, I didn't want to waste time. Riding on the subway in a dress that gets a little short when you sit down wasn't the most comfortable thing to do. I had to keep adjusting myself in order to nix the free peep show for the couple in front of me. The ride to Osgood station on Queen Street took about 30 minutes from Kipling which wasn't too bad. Osgood was probably two blocks from where I needed to pick up the media pass so that was great as well. I met a girl named Danielle on the train who was going my way, so her and I chatted for quite a while and she directed me where to go when I got off the subway. She ended up being a writer for an advertising company, as well as a Pilate's instructor so that was pretty cool! Another writer just like me! As we made our way to ground level from the station, the scene we saw ahead of us was all kinds of crazy. Fans were lined up along Queen, John and Richmond and they were packed in like sardines. It was impossible to get through them all (we tried) and even more impossible to go the short way to my location, so we went the long way around to get to Richmond. Yay. Just what my feet wanted in those amazing shoes. At least the weather was perfect. Sunny and warm just the way I like it. Around 15 minutes later I arrive at the media tent to register, which was black with a chandelier hanging from the centre. I handed the girl my driver's license hoping to god that my name was for sure on the list, and was handed a Press pass and bracelet when my name cleared! Woohoo!!! I made it! I actually made it! This wasn't just a big joke! I waited a few minutes for an escort to bring me to the press area. I had to pretend I did this all the time, while bottling the excitement inside. However...let's be honest. I get excited over perogies, so who cares if my excitement showed a bit! We walk up to the press room and she shows me the ropes. Bathroom here. Food there. Media information area here. Photographer area there. Interview area here (which consisted of about 6 rows of chairs for reporters and press). Ok. Great. Sweet. You lost me at food area here lady. I was starving and excited that there was free food!! Yeehaw. A big score for me!
    I saunter into the photography area at one point and ended up seeing someone I knew!!!!!!! The talented Sonia Recchia was hanging out, manning her photographers "spot", and I got super excited. I was feeling like a fish out of water, so it was nice to know someone. I was watching everyone walk around like they've been in this position a million times...and more specifically seeing that a lot of people were wearing sandals...that were flat! God damn it!!!! Note for next time. Sonia and I chatted for a bit and snapped a few pictures against the Much Music backdrop where the artists would be taking their photos. There were bright lights everywhere to provide perfect lighting for the photos being taken. As I was turning off my camera, Sonia was telling me that turning my camera on and off or viewing the photos wastes the batteries. I turn it back on and...DEAD!!!!! I couldn't believe it. It was only 5:30 and my camera was freaking dead! The event hadn't even begun yet! It was still 3.5 hours away! WHYYYYY???? I had just charged my battery on the Thursday and didn't even use it for that long, so I was definitely confused at the turn of events. I, at that point had to make sure that my phone wasn't going to die as I could take pictures off of that. Sonia and I wandered into the food area and since she already had eaten, she held my stuff as I stacked my plate with pesto pasta, bread, cheese, salad, salad, and some more salad. Yummy. I grabbed a water from the bar (lame) and we headed back to continue chatting.
    
After eating I went to see if I could take a picture of the red carpet before things started happening up in our area. This was a harder task to do then I thought. Because I already signed in, I needed to be escorted by a staff member to do anything outside of our press areas. At this point no one was available or helpful in having this happen for me. I eventually ended up getting told to go through a curtained area to travel down some elevator and then walk outside. A tiny adventure ensued after receiving these directions. I did go through the curtained area as told, wandered past the ETalk set and another bar area and got rather lost past that point. There were three other kids trying to figure out how to get backstage and I thought...JACKPOT!!! I need to pretend I'm alot younger then I am and get in with these people! The one kids uncle was the director of programming and they had on these sparkly platinum wristbands. My dull white wristband did not measure up to theirs that's for sure. We all started to try and find a way backstage, however, security guards stopped my dream while they continued their search. Damn you security. I ended up finding a staircase that led me downstairs, and before I reached the doors to the outside I decided to ask the front desk if I'd be able to get back in. Unfortunately I wasn't even supposed to be there at all, so they told me I had to walk up the loser set of stairs, as the stairs I initially went down were for the stars. Pshhh. Whatever. I will become a star gosh darnit and I will come back and walk those stairs to show you!!!!!
    I arrived back in the press room to find that it was kind of hopping. The food area was dimly lit, with the food set out along long higher tables. There was a small bar near the door. Other people hung around the interview area to keep their spots while the photographers (probably close to 20 of them) all crammed on the three steps available in the centre of the room, to ensure they keep their perfect spots as well. Karl Wolf and the Neverending White Lights singer were just hanging out, as our bar area was the only open bar at that time of the evening. I ended up making friends with people from different radio stations (from Ottawa, Toronto and Sudbury) and we hung out most of the night (shout out to Natalie, Jenny and G-Rant!!!). I wandered back behind the curtained area again and talked with the security guard named Rick, who ended up opening up about his cool ass girlfriend. While he was sharing his stories about her I look ahead and who do I see??? Justin freakin BIEBER!!! He was walking towards us (with his entourage of course) and was super short compared to...well...anyone, but had total swagger.  I fumbled to get my phone in the right position to take a picture and even said..."Justtttin..." to get his attention. His bodyguard ended up whipping the curtain at me to avoid taking a picture, however I took it damnit!!! Even though it was super blurry! HAH! Take that!!! I said bye to Rick pretty fast after that and started to follow the Biebs. Not my proudest moment but if they were taking pictures by the photo wall I wanted to be there! This however was not the case. They were going to the green room, and I just looked like a giant pedophile stalker. I walk back to the food area with my imaginary tail between my legs and rejoin my new friends. We all were chatting for a bit when I see a band walk in (who I recognized from when I was walking down the "stars" set of stairs). I thought one of the members was pretty cute, and tried to figure out who they were. The desserts had just been set-up which included chocolate covered strawberries, meringue covered with chocolate, and peanut butter chocolate cups! They were beckoning me to come over, and beckoning some of these band members as well, as they too started surrounding these lovely desserts. I saunter over beside one of them and start talking about the strawberries. What an ice-breaker eh? We ended up cheersing our strawberries and then eating them. Totally amazing that they did it with me! I actually got to talk to the cute one I wanted to talk to and found out they were the band The New Cities. I had never heard of them and perhaps told them that, but in a nice way. I talked about his tattoos (which was of a storm on his arm) and their friends, Simple Plan's, outfits for the night (they dressed up as Wham! for the red carpet! haha) and some other stuff too that I couldn't remember. I called one of his band members short to his face as we were comparing our heights, and the height of Bruno Mars. He said he's taller than Bruno. I will believe him as Bruno Mars does look rather short. The cute guy ducked out to go to the "bathroom" which was probably code word for "this girl is crazy...I need to get out of here."
   I believe around 9 or so the stars starting filing into the press room to give their interviews. I had a spot in the second row that I was making some people hold while I socialized. I don't know if this was proper protocol, but they were nice to actually do it! This was the exciting part of the evening. Neverending White Lights, Shawn Desmond, Danny Fernandez, Fefe Dobson, Far East Movement, Dev (I touched her earring and chatted with her a bit), some Degrassi kid, Nina Dobrev, Cody Simpson, Kat Graham, David Guetta, Simple Plan, Down With Webster, Johnny Galecki from Big Bang Theory, Classified (and I'm sure some other people) all filtered through the room to take questions from the press. It certainly was a lot of sitting but it was such a cool experience to observe what goes on during these types of events as members of the press. The most exciting part was waiting for the last performer to come through which was none other than LADY GAGA! Surprisingly she was very humble and nice despite her over the top clothes and antics. The interview was almost going to get cut short at two minutes long but she wasn't having any of that! She looked just as surprised as we did when the host said that they were wanting to wrap things up. She just arrived!! SO Gaga continued answering questions and I got it all on tape! What a great end to that part of the evening!!! Although I didn't get to see any of the performances, seeing the people after was just as great.
     After saying my goodbyes to the people I met, Sonia and I walked to her car to drop some of her stuff off and head over to Snoop Dog's after-party! She was asked to shoot the party which was super cool. My feet were full of blisters at this time of the night, and pretty much in pain, but I fought through the pain as we walked over to the club LIVE. There was a huge line-up when we arrived and we couldn't figure out where the VIP entrance was. Eventually Sonia found the person she needed to talk to and we walked in. When we first arrived her friend Gorav was there and his summary of the club at that point was that it smelled like an giant armpit. How appealing. It was PACKED with people waiting for Snoop and his guests to arrive. We walked past the speakers and the bass was so loud that my heart literally jumped into my throat. I thought I was going to have a heart attack for sure. The smell of weed wafted through the air as we maneuvered through the crowd trying to find the VIP section. We ended up back at the front lobby again and she had to leave me for five minutes as she tried to find her location. It was 12:50 a.m. and I had no idea when the subway closed down. Everyone kept telling me 1 a.m. (which was WRONG!!!) so I had 10 minutes to walk over to Osgood again in my horrid shoes to catch the train. I was debating on whether I would just cab it to Kipling so I could stay at the party or just go home. I opted for the latter as it would be a million dollars to take a cab home. SO my night ended and as I was driving home Sonia had mentioned that she got into VIP finally!!!! which would have been something I would have been able to do as well. She got her shots of Snoop and the other celebrities and went home herself. DANGIT!! Ah well. It was still a night to remember. I made some new friends, observed press room action, and got to see some celebrities! I can't wait until next year! Hopefully by then I will have a better swing on things and come prepared with some questions!!

I finally feel like things are coming together! Can't wait for what's next!!! I have added some pictures of the night!

The Group!

Beiber

Gaga

Stage

Cassettes on Wall

Interview Area

Photographers (Sonia is the one with the flower!)

DAY 11 - I Am Grateful For...THE MOONSHINE CAFE!

Apart from having to work tonight, this night was grand! A couple of girls from work and I went to The Moonshine Cafe in Oakville to see my brother play some of his songs as it was open mic night. It was just what I needed! I love watching live music and the people that go to this place (which is really a hole in the wall, but has SO MUCH character) are amazing! It's a bar where people can go to appreciate music and other people's talents...and I have to say...there are some incredible musicians that go there. People can get comfy sitting on some old couches and chairs while having a beer or a cocktail. The walls are saturated with pictures of people who played there, as well as art work from painters I'm assuming from the area (or that were given as gifts). Although it is now 1:30 a.m. and I have to be up in 6 hours, it was worth it! So THANK YOU MOONSHINE!!! I will be back again!!

DAY 10 - I Am Grateful For...MY BED!

It is midnight and I just finished work and am trying to complete one of my magazine articles! I've been so grateful for having a comfy bed to sleep in the last few nights, which is rare as I don't have the best time getting to sleep (and don't generally like bed time!). The nights have been cool and have provided perfect sleeping weather, so THANK YOU BED! and thank you nature :) I love that the moon is shining bright as well. My favourite!

DAY 9 - I Am Grateful For...EXPERIENCING TORONTO TASTE 2011!

Accompanied by Second Harvest's 2010 ad video for Toronto Taste. 

Tonight was amazing...especially for a foodie like me!!! I was covering the 21st annual Toronto Taste (for Second Harvest), held at the Royal Ontario Museum, and it was fabulous. My whole experience was only supposed to include a one hour tour with other media personnel, but it became a little more than that. I had arrived almost an hour early and checked in at registration and was told to just sit and wait until 6:30 arrived. Let's be honest here...sitting and waiting is hardly my forte, so I got up and sort of wandered towards the VIP entrance to take pictures. The black wristband that I was given was being exposed as I was taking pictures and the security guard that was standing beside me said "OH you can go in with that". I was like huh? "OK" and I sauntered in like I was supposed to go in. It was perfect because I was able to take some pictures of the event before I had to ask for interviews, and taste some of the food (although I only tasted one thing). The first thing I saw when I walked in was Bob Blumer, who is the host for The Food Network's "Glutton for Punishment" and "Surreal Gourment" (and I only know this because I looked him up on the internet haha). I don't have The Food Network or cable for that matter so I had to come prepared as he was the host for the evening. I took a few pictures of him (as he was posing with the car that was being given away) and started to walk around. The event was already super busy with people who had paid $250 to get in! Tents were set up everywhere and food was cooking like it was going out of style. The aromas that were wafting around the party were incredible. There was a band playing in the centre and wine being poured within every other tent. After a while I had to go back to the media check in tent and go on my official tour with one of the PR people. We were each given a person to follow us around, which was a surprise to me because I thought we were all going in one big group! That ruined my plan of just listening to everyone else give interviews and me just write down the answers!! BALLS! I had to think of questions on the spot as we were being taken to The Photo Booth to conduct our interviews. I looked like a bit of an amateur at that point. Firstly I had no idea who any of the big names were at this event and secondly I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing! SO...we ended up finding Bob Blumer again and I plunged in taking the chance to give him an interview. It actually went really smooth, minus the part where he had to correct my talking! "You mean APART of the event?" (rather than part of the event). Duh. My tongue got tied and it came out wrong. The rest of the interview was fine and we even got to take pictures in The Photo Booth together! After that interview my PR person and I walked around the event some more. I took some pictures until my freakin camera decided to die because I forgot to charge the damn thing. Perfect. Now I have to use my phones camera which makes me look even more amateurous (not a word but I don't care)!!!!! BAH! Whatever. I'm asking them for pro photos anyways. We ended up stealing a few treats as we were both starving (some smelt from Chef Mark McEwan, and peanut brittle from Dufflet) and who wouldn't when there were 60 of the top chefs in Toronto there!?
    After touring the inside portion of the event we went back outside and that's where I got to interview Michael Smith of "Chef At Home" (also from The Food Network). He's a chef based out of PEI and he was SO NICE!!! The interview with him also went very smoothly and he fed us some of his pickerel which was yummy. I couldn't have asked for a better night really. I was lucky my PR person was so lax, and we ended up going way over the hour I was supposed to be allotted! Being there for the cause as well was really nice. Second Harvest is given donated food that's going to be thrown out from restaurants, grocery stores, etc. and they deliver it to 250 social service companies around the Toronto area. It's such a great idea. I am fortunate to have been a part of it this year. So THANK YOU TORONTO TASTE!!! It was a blast :)

Bob Blumer and I inside The Photo Booth! haha

Michael Smith

Chef Roger Mooking!

DAY 8 - I Am Grateful For...MY WEEKEND JOB!

As much as I complain sometimes about having to work on the weekends, today really made me realize why I've continued to work at the job I have. I work at a cafe in Port Credit, with a cute little patio, eleven tables, and almost an all girl staff (who of course are awesome), with the exception of the owner/cook! The food is amazing and the baked goods are even more incredible! I've worked there for over two years now and working there has really made me feel like I'm apart of this Port Credit community. We get many regulars that come in to eat breakfast and lunch, and it is nice to be able to chat with them like they are old friends, and make them also feel like they have found a special place they can go to to socialize. We share stories about our lives, joke around, and even give each other advice or help with situations that aren't working in our lives. It's almost like we are sitting around in our own homes at times. Today was just a really great day with the customers, and I felt like I belonged somewhere. I felt so content, happy and focused. So THANK YOU MARISH'S! and thank you to the staff and customers who make working there so enjoyable!!! xoxo

Day 7 - I Am Grateful For...CANADIAN SPECIAL EVENTS Magazine!!

I've been doing intern event reporting for the last month for Canadian Special Events magazine (www.canadianspecialevents.com), and I have to say I'm LOVING it. This actually all started with me sending an email to the intern coordinator, chickening out after she told me to send my resume, and then receiving an email from them thanking me for sending a resume I never sent them! It was a sign and I decided to just go for it. It's been such a great experience so far being able to go to different events around the GTA, and really prove to myself that I can write and work within this field. I've never done reporting of any kind so I was definitely nervous the first time I had to go to an event. Proper questions and research is required to get the information you need to build your story, which can be bit of a challenge if you haven't done it before. During my first event (The Butterfly Ball in Toronto) I definitely felt like a complete amateur with my pink Sony camera that I didn't know how to work properly, wrapped around my wrist, and the fact that I forgot the three pens I stole from work, at home (meaning I had to take a pen from the registration desk!). Thankfully the staff at the event were very kind in helping me track down the person I needed to talk to (which in my case was the event coordinator Marla Brown), and the interview went very smoothly. I pulled out my hand held recorder and the questions just flowed out my mouth. She was a very peppy, positive person so I felt at ease and confident during the entire thing. From that night on, I've covered a few other events and have many more lined up for this summer. I am really looking forward to seeing where this can take me!  I have met some great connections so far and feel super grateful that I'm a part of this magazine. So THANK YOU www.canadianspecialevents.com and thank you JARED Golberg. for posting the intern position on your facebook wall!!!!! You rock and I'm truly grateful for it!

DAY 6 - I Am Grateful For...THIS WONDERFUL BREEZY NIGHT!

Accompanied by "Summer Breeze" (covered by Jason Mraz)

After experiencing a couple of hot days this past week, having the nights breeze flow through my windows feels amazing. I love nights like these, where the fresh air fills your room and you feel cozy under your covers. It provides the best sleeping weather, and that's where I'm headed now :) So THANK YOU gorgeous night. Sweet dreams everyone :)

Have You Ever Had An Unbelievably Pathetic Dating Life?

Accompanied by a "Fake Call - How To Get Out of a Bad Date".

If you said no to this question then GOOD FOR YOU! Pssssshh. I cannot say I’ve had the same luck. My dating life is probably as active as an eleven year olds and is mostly self-induced. It’s not that I haven’t had the chance to go on dates, it’s just that I’m kind of an awkward dater so I choose not to go on them to avoid any uncomfortable situations (mainly with people that I really know I'm not entirely interested in). I know what you’re all thinking - ”how can this super hot, smart, curvaceous lady be afraid of dating??” Am I right? (Just kidding). Well to answer that question, dating to me feels so forced and full of pressure, which is a disastrous combination for me.  It almost feels like going into an interview, as there are so many expectations involved. FOR instance:

Scenario One: Most of us go on dates in hopes to connect with someone romantically and perhaps start a relationship right? Well that’s not a big expectation is it now?? What if I’m not attracted to them but they are attracted to me or vice versa? At that point someone has to make a decision to not see one another again because they aren’t feeling it and that just sucks! I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and obviously I don’t want to be hurt either. PRESSURE!! Starting off as friends without an agenda is a better scenario for me. That way no one is expecting an outcome and you can just be yourself.

Scenario Two:  The potential expectation to give a good night kiss - What if the person goes in for a kiss and you just don’t want to do it because a) it’s not what you do on a first date; b) you have garlic breath (embarrassing) or c) you would rather be kissing your hand? The head turn and back pat would make them feel like a douchebag, which sucks as well! AWKWARD PRESSURE!!

Scenario Three:  The expectation to carry on a COHERENT, interesting conversation – What if I can’t think of anything to say or the person is a total mute?? An absolute nightmare of a situation I'd say. This is actually my worst fear on a date, and because I’m afraid of silence, I end up asking a hundred questions, which has THEM feeling like they are in an interview (which someone has told me before recently. Oops). I’m pretty sure I don't leave any space after any answers to allow the person to ask me anything back. It’s something I need to work on for sure. Perhaps some sort of horse tranquilizer may help me with that problem. 

Obviously if I want to enter into a relationship of any kind, I need to get over this “what if” way of thinking and just take a risk for goodness sake. Friends and family are always saying, “enjoy this time of your life to get out there and date! You’re young and single and this time will pass soon!” Well awesome. I’m happy for that reminder. I know I’m getting old. And I know I’m being a big chicken. I certainly have TRIED to pretend that the act of dating is fun, and heeding my friends and family's advice, I even started to say yes to people asking me out more than saying NO! AND to top it off, I entered the world of online dating to see if I could rally up a few guys to take me out for a weekend jaunt. What a world online dating is. It's like shopping for men, and to be honest, it's a bit overwhelming. Most of the time I end up feeling bad for ignoring the messages of the guys I don't find attractive and don't bother even logging in to the site after a while. And according to one guy named Jeff who deemed himself "smart, sexy, athletic and fun", about 95% of guys are online to have sex with you. Sweet. Just what I wanted (ok sometimes maybe but not with all of them!). With that said, I did end up talking to a few people online to set up a few dates, and some of these wonderful dates went something like this:

1) The guy told me to sit in his car to listen to music in silence because I wasn’t relaxed enough. I felt like I was in a therapy session.

and

2) The guy pulled out his hash stash and asked me if it was ok that he did that, WHILE proceeding to put his old run down running shoes on with a gigantic shoehorn (it honestly was bigger than my forearm). 

THEN there was the guy who thought religion was the be all end all of the world’s evolution and he got into a fight with me. I quit the site after that. 

WINNERS.
 

Aside from the awkward dating, relationships really haven’t been in the forefront of my mind for the last few years. I'm not one to settle into a relationship for the sake of having one, and after my last relationship I really wanted to focus more on getting to know who I was before entering into anything serious again. It is imperative that this happen as how is one able to know what they want in a relationship or in life for that matter, if you don’t know yourself at all? Feeling secure within yourself and honouring who you are will make for a better relationship with yourself and your partner, as you end up realizing what you are willing to tolerate and what you are willing to compromise. I've seen first hand what bad marriages and relationships are like and I really do not want to end up like that. Statistics of divorce and cheating keep growing each year, and a lot has to do with settling just to get married, and getting married too young. People grow apart because they change drastically throughout their younger years, and some marriages can't handle the changes. 

    As well with the abundance of options of how to meet people these days, I think temptation is getting the best of some. Sites like Ashley Madison, Facebook, online video games, Myspace, Twitter, Plenty of Fish, Lavalife, EHarmony, Match.com, RichMen.com, and Cougarlife.com, are just a few of the options out there to strike up a relationship discreetly. Text messages, emails, snail mail, Skype, MSN, and so on are some others, which allows for accessibility beyond belief.

Anyways...with all this said I'm hoping that one day the right guy will just pop into my life, but for now I will just continue on seeing where life takes me. I will continue to dip my toes into the dating world until my whole foot gets in the water one day. 

Have a good night everyone!

DAY 5 - I Am Grateful For...MY DOG MADDIE!

Accompanied by "I Love My Dog" by Cat Stevens.

Madison - aka "Maddie" is my ten year old Shitzu (slash not so much a shitzu), that I've had for four years now (stolen from my parents after I moved out of their house because she loved me the most). She is a rather psychotic dog who defines the word "bitch", but has the face of an angel. Most people don't believe me when I say she's evil because she is so cute, and proceed to try and pet her after I warn them that she's not very nice. Startled after the dog attacks their fingers, they look at me wide eyed and red-faced saying "yeah she isn't really nice eh?". DUH. I know! She has made children cry, and sounds like a rabid animal when I give her a bath, and has even bit me of all people! At this point you are probably asking, "why do you have her??" Well folks...even though she is the spawn of Satan's dog, her personality, and the way she snores under my bed wins me over. I can't help but love her. We are two peas in a pod and she's been my buddy ever since I've lived on my own. She's kept me company when I've felt lonely, and made me laugh numerous times as she's humping her alligator in the middle of a dinner party (I can say that she's not ashamed of her sexuality that's for sure). Even though she's a pain in the ass, and a big responsibility (and jealous of any guy I bring home), I couldn't imagine not having her around. She's been sick a lot this year which has made me more appreciative of having her around. So THANKS MADDIE for being the crazy dog that you are!

Cute Maddie.

Cute Maddie after having a bath

Cute Maddie going for a car ride

THIS IS MORE LIKE IT!!!!! THE DEVIL DOG!!!

DAY 4 – I Am Grateful For….CO-WORKERS!

http://vimeo.com/5944863


(This scene is kind of perfect for what our office goes through with our printer! It is from the movie Office Space which is one of my favourite movies :)

I have to say that I have some pretty great co-workers at the office I work at. There are four girls and eight guys that work at the Oakville location so us chicks are a tad bit outnumbered (but I don't mind it this way). I was feeling rather irritated today and kind of snapped at one of the girls who sits on the other side of the wall from me. It was a rather frustrating morning to say the least and I ended up apologizing to her as I did feel bad. I felt truly grateful that I had her understanding and feel rather lucky that I work with the people I do. We have all definitely had some interesting arguments with each other (or more like blow outs), but it’s kind of cool that we can argue and then be completely normal after a big venting session, some tears, and a major cool down! It’s almost like a family in a way.  We are able to sit in each others offices and just talk about our lives (and I mean talk about almost anything), which can get pretty entertaining and a little distracting at times (and if anyone in the head office is reading this we also do some work....*cough*). Having this type of dynamic helps you get through an eight hour work day for sure SO THANK YOU Mia for your understanding today and thank you everyone else for being awesome :) I know you ALL enjoy my singing and my bursts of frustration at my emails...one day those people will hear me on the other end damnit!!

(I also have to say that I work with amazing people at my other two jobs as well. I've been pretty fortunate to make some really great friends from the many different jobs I've worked at throughout my brilliant years of employment so thanks all!).

DAY 3 - I Am Grateful For....CHOCOLATE!!!

Choco Choco Latte

The Chocolate Song

Accompanied by "Choco Choco Latte" and "The Chocolate Song".

I have to say that this week I have never been so grateful for chocolate IN MY LIFE! Maybe it was the weather changes, or maybe it was...ahem...PMS...............ok maybe it was more about PMS...but nevertheless I was SUPER grateful. I had the most delicious sundae at my friends house the other night, smothered with strawberries, chocolate syrup, two bite brownies, M & M's and butterscotch chips. This perhaps was eaten after I already bought a jumbo pack of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and a small bag of mini eggs at the gas station on the way up to her house (which I may or may not have eaten most of before I arrived). What some woman go through to keep their sanity eh? Effing hormones. So THANK YOU CADBURY! SMUCKERS! BREYER'S! TWO BITE BROWNIE PEOPLE!!! HERSHEY! and M & M's! And thank you freaking mother nature for giving me an excuse to stuff my face even more than I already do. Have a good night everyone :)

DAY 2 - I Am Grateful for....MY NEPHEWS!!!

Accompanied by "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts (as these ARE my wishes for my nephews and family really!)

I just got back from visiting my nephews and my sister (and her boyfriend) and I can honestly say that I'm grateful for having them in my life. When my first nephew Kyle was born almost four years ago (on our birthday!!!! My sister and I are twins) I didn't think I could be connected to a baby that much! I actually was unsure if I would be connected to this kid at all while my sister was going through her pregnancy. Thankfully it was an instant connection and I thank him for opening up my heart again (and the hearts of the rest of my family). I seriously can't get enough of him. He is quite the character and is now talking up a storm, coming out with what I think are some pretty impressive things! Today I was taking pictures of him on the swing and he yelled "Auntie Ivan! I told you to stop taking pictures because you are going to startle us!" Ummm...ok. Where did you learn the word startle??! I hardly even use that word! I can't wait to see what kind of young man he will become. And now with Colin recently arriving into this world there will be double the excitement! He is still at the sleeping, eating, pooping stage so it's not as exciting yet but it will be. Right now it's funny seeing him so intrigued with my sister's couch. That's pretty much what he smiles at these days. I guess I should really be grateful that my sister had sex period! SO thank you!!!! haha...I love being Auntie Ivan!!!!! Keep up the great job raising these kids. I will always be there for all of you XOXOXO and am truly impressed by how good a Mom and Dad you have both been :)

DAY 1 - I Am Grateful For....THUNDERSTORMS!

As I woke up this fine Saturday morning I could hear the rolling thunder in the distance (and hear my dog scurrying under my bed for protection!). I felt the breeze flowing through my window and the rain start slowly falling onto the pavement. How content I felt with my life just then.  I laid in bed, snuggling under my comfy duvet, listening to the rain fall a little harder, and saw the lightning flash. I felt truly grateful and relaxed. I know some people aren't particularly fond of thunderstorms (my grandmother for one), but I've always loved them. I love the feeling of being all cozy in my home, watching nature take its course, and putting on a show for us in some instances. I live on the 16th floor of my building, with just trees in front of me, so I've seen some pretty crazy lightning storms and it's truly amazing that we can witness such a thing!

Have You Ever Felt True Gratitude?

Accompanied by the song "Gratitude" by the Beastie Boys.

I was driving home from Bolton last night after visiting my very good friend Lindsay and her new baby, and I was thinking about my blog. I have been struggling about what topic to write about this week, and what my heart wants to say, and then it came to me - GRATITUDE!  I’ve written about this before, but I really wanted to do something different this time with this topic...so I’m deciding to write about what I’m grateful for EVERY DAY!  I’m trying to challenge myself to be more disciplined with my writing and to really grasp the concept of gratitude. I think most people (which definitely includes myself) take for granted the things we receive in life. The fact that we wake up breathing and alive is something to be grateful for. The fact that we are able to walk, talk, hear or see is something to be grateful for as there are many people who don’t have that luxury in this world. We walk around life unaware of the gifts that are around us because it’s just daily life to us. Remember how amazing you feel once you come back from a really great trip, where your perspective shifts and you feel so grateful for the experience? Well the gratitude and awe that we feel traveling to different countries or cultures can be infused into everyday life, as every single day gives us something new and exciting to discover. We just have to stop long enough to take a proper look. However, instead of being grateful, we abuse our bodies, abuse the earth, work too much, play too hard, and take advantage of the life we are given without much respect. How many people don’t spend enough time with family or friends because there is “always tomorrow”? How many people watch too much T.V. or spend too much time on the computer instead of spending time outside enjoying nature or the weather because there is “always tomorrow?”  It’s easy to get caught up in this way of living because no one expects to kick the bucket the next day, and I’m not saying to live in fear of dying either, but maybe knowing that it's a luxury to live another day will give us a bit of motivation to love every day we are alive. There is the saying “live like it’s your last day on earth”, which can translate into "live with gratitude that you have seen another beautiful day and take advantage of it!" I’ve talked about myself wasting time on things I don’t need to be wasting my energy on (fear for one thing), and that’s why I wanted to start this new project.  I’ve had a lot of conversations with family members and friends about this subject, as I have fallen into many of the patterns mentioned above. I, for a long time, wasn’t feeling any joy in life and definitely wasn’t feeling much gratitude for it. Instead all I felt was anger, and was talking more about what I wasn’t getting in life, rather than what I do have. I pretty much was saying to myself everyday that the life I made for myself was shit, and that the universe, God, or whatever you want to call it, is shit too (because you know...he was the one that dropped me on this Earth). The apartment I had wasn’t good enough, the job I had wasn’t good enough, my car wasn’t good enough, my bank account CERTAINLY wasn’t good enough,  my clothes weren’t good enough, the weather wasn’t good enough, and eff those laundry machines in the basement!!! They were shit as well!!!! I just kept manifesting constant shit due to all this lack of gratitude and negative thinking. I’m not saying that someone can’t have a bad day because everyone does as we are human, but with that said there’s also a lesson in gratitude when we are having that bad day. We can be grateful that it teaches us to look at ourselves in the mirror and see what we need to change in order to live the life we want. We can be grateful that while at rock bottom, we see the strength we have in ourselves to rise back up from the hole we fell in. We can also be grateful for seeing that what we thought life was supposed to be about (material things, jobs, success) isn't all that it's cracked up to be. You really learn to prioritize what's important. The trick is to learn this before you hit rock bottom. 

     In my own reality, I have a place to live, some money in the bank, a car, great friends, a psychotic but cute dog, a shirt on my back, three million jobs, and a pretty close family (despite the problems we have). Nature is also providing me with its beauty and its resources every day. That seems like a damn lot to be grateful for.  What makes me think that the world owes me anything?? It does NOT. It’s a privilege to be supported by the earth and by the people around me, not a given. So THANK YOU EVERYONE! And THANK YOU WORLD! Life is perfect because it's happening how it should be for each of us. We just have to enjoy it. Gratitude brings about joy in your life because you are so thankful for the things you receive, and don’t expect anything back. You start to value and respect things around you instead of taking them for granted, so wish me luck! Maybe this process will help me stop losing my cameras! 

Don’t be afraid to drop a comment or two about what you’re grateful for! We can ALL start a movement of gratitude!!!!! Yeehaw! Have a great weekend everyone! Make it the best one yet!