Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Have You Ever Felt Like You Were Wasting Your Precious Time?

Accompanied by "Watchin' The Wheels" by John Lennon.


Thought I'd write a quick note as I'm feeling ever so motivated to do stuff today. This could in fact become a novel as per usual but I'll try hard to cut it short!!! I started writing this blog when I was on a 7 day juice cleanse (www.totalcleanse.ca...PLUG!). Yes juice cleanse. Just juice for seven whole days. And water. And tea. For someone who LOVES to eat I thought this was surely going to be a challenge. However...I survived and four days ago I finished it and am starting to eat some real food (if you consider salads real food). Blah. During these trying seven days, I started to make a few realizations about myself. The whole process made me slow down a bit, and really just be present with my thoughts. I started this blog on Day 3 so let me fill you in on the first two days first...you know...so you know how they were:

DAY 1: Tortured by my brother eating a delicious Harvey's bacon cheeseburger and a poutine in my car. Thank you, but get the eff out of my effing car.

DAY 2: Great. Not hungry. Delicious juices.

NOW...DAY 3:

I'm on day 3 of a "Purify" cleanse and because I'm not stuffing my face every hour I've acquired a lot of time to think and do shit. Today has been a bit hard as I'm really wanting a hamburger!!! Or a pizza... but instead, I'm drinking some delicious green juice....yum. I wanted to give my system a rest from all the crap I've been ingesting since the summer - beer, junk, shit. That's it. I want to get back into eating healthy again and eating the types of foods that I should be eating - no gluten, no dairy, no refined sugar. What a difference it really makes.

During the last three days with all this time on my hands I've thought a lot about my life (well I guess that's not really new eh?). I've realized how much time I've wasted so far on meaningless things. Perhaps it's because I work too many hours and I don't have the energy or motivation to do ANOTHER thing that requires any energy or brain power, but that can be changed. I need to re-prioritize.

Some revelations I've made this past week are:

1) I love food!! I love it!!!!! God help me!!!! I'm torturing myself.
2) I love Harvey's. 
3) I spend more then enough time on the Internet watching and searching stupid shit...

This is a man who shot his daughters laptop on this video cause she posted crap on Facebook about her parents enslaving her by making her do chores. 

when I should really be watching something like this...

"A Meaningful Life" by the Dalai Lama.

4) I don't know alot anything about world issues. That's a big one. I'm so out of the loop because I hate seeing all the negative news that's plastered throughout the news programs and newspapers.

Guy: "Who's the president?"
Me: "Fuck if I know."
Guy: "Who's at war right now?"
Me: "People...with...guns...and tanks..."
Guy: "Who is running in the US elections?"
Me: "A bunch of liars."
Guy: "What is socialism?"
Me: Blank stare. "A movement for people that want to be...social?"

This is of course is a bit of an exaggeration but you get my drift. It's quite pathetic really. NOW... how do I get to be so educated I ask myself:

Step One: Start to read books.
Step Two: Try to find Cole's notes on these books. Is Cole's still around? I hope so.
Step Three: Resort to Wikipedia when the books get boring.
Step Four: Skip the comics and read the actual news. 
Step Five: Take over the world with my brilliant positive news company...and watch it so that watching the news can now be less of a horrendous experience.


5) I don't do enough of what I love to do. I work too much and play too little. Which resorts to meeting less boys. Which really sucks. Which has to be stopped. Now.

6) I am really hard on myself and give up too easily - "BE KIND TO YOURSELF!" My new motto.

7) I feel trapped in my own brain sometimes and am riddled with anxiety when it comes to taking risks.

8) I say no more than yes. Although I've been taking risks and challenging myself lately with the singing and my writing, I'd like to explore life more. Expand my horizons. SO say yes more often.

9) Life is really too short. A family emergency a few weeks ago really put into perspective how we really need to cherish each moment. Spend more time with family and people that build you up in life. Not worth wasting time on people and situations that don't serve you well.

10) Life really centres a lot around food. The preparation, the thinking of it (of what to buy or to eat). It's crazy how much more time I have on my hands drinking juice!

11) I have a lot more willpower than previously thought. Yay me.

12) I have a strong feeling of being not good enough. It's generally the pressure I put on myself but I have felt very replaceable lately which really shows the core belief I have about myself.

14) Courtney from the Bachelor has got to go....er...I mean...that T.V. show on world...poverty was so moving.

15) After watching Food Inc. (yes I'm probably behind on watching that as well)...I want to become a vegetarian. I knew it was the food industry was bad, but after watching that show I began to realize just how bad it is!! Those poor chickens, and pigs, and cows, and soybeans.

16) I need to date more and get over my fear of rejection...and be less picky.
17) I really love singing and am excited to improve on this skill.

Anywho...I suppose I will stop at those mere 17 realizations. I need to change the quality of my busy life to that of meaning, filled with purposeful activities rather than just "stuff" to pass the time. That does not feed my soul or bring joy to my life.

However with that said, when I was looking for a song for this blog I fell upon John Lennon's "Watchin' The Wheels" and this quote by him (see below), and it helped me see a different side of "wasting time."

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

Yes I definitely have to be a little more up to date with what's going on in the world, and need to find meaningful activities that bring joy to my world, but it is still ok to be happy doing the simplest things - like watching wheels go round and round....or watching Kourtney and Kim Take New York (*blush*). I am an ambitious, restless person and feel the constant need to improve and go forward, but I need to realize that perhaps I'm not wasting as much time as I think. Everything is happening for a reason each day and sometimes meaningless enjoyment is necessary *sigh*.

For now I hope everyone has a stellar week ahead!!! I'm going to go watch 60 Minutes or read some National Geographic magazines.

Au revoir! (that's me being cultured ;)
Lovely Lianne XO

Watchin' The Wheels - John Lennon Lyrics:

People say I'm crazy, doing what I'm doing
Well, they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin
When I say that I'm okay, well, they look at me kinda strange
"Surely, you're not happy now, you no longer play the game"

People say I'm lazy, dreaming my life away

Well, they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me
When I tell them that I'm doing fine watching shadows on the wall
"Don't you miss the big time, boy. You're no longer on the ball"

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round

I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go

Ahhh, people ask me questions, lost in confusion

Well, I tell them there's no problem, only solutions
Well, they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind
I tell them there's no hurry, I'm just sitting here doing time

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round

I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go...

Monday, 6 February 2012

Have You Ever Challenged Your Fears to Live Your Dreams? - My Singing Debut

 Accompanied with "Risk" by Paul Brandt. What challenging yourself is all about.

"A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song."Maya Angelou

Hello my pretties!

I have been slacking as per usual on my writing and I apologize!

This year has certainly been an interesting one so far. Lots of changes occurring which is exciting! As my previous blog post stated, I want to become more vulnerable in my life this year. I want to start challenging my fears and break through the limits I place on myself. I want to live my dreams damnit! SO...deciding to start the year off with a bang, I proceeded to tackle my first challenge that involved a big passion of mine - SINGING!!  Music and singing has always been an important part of my life. Without it I go crazy!! A few months ago my brother and I were in the kitchen with my mom just chatting. My brother was playing around with a new song he had written (which I personally loved since the first day I heard it). There is a female part in this particular song, so to fill it my mom suggested I jump in and sing it that night so he could practice the song. With much surprise we ended up harmonizing quite easily together and a brand new venture was born!!! I felt so much joy that night singing that song, where the feeling of elation was seriously just jumping out of my heart. A few years ago I was doing this course called The Artist's Way which is a twelve week program that helps you unlock your creativity and really just manifest whatever your heart desires. It's about following your heart without any fear. It's about finding what your heart is wanting to do without putting any limits on it - money, time, age, success. It's about letting what is in your heart come out and just be - letting the universe take care of the rest. The running trend for me throughout the course was music, performing, and singing. I've always loved musical theatre (both the singing and dancing) and have always loved watching people sing.  Perhaps it was attending many of my dad's gigs throughout my entire life that brought about this passion, but whatever the reason for its existence, it's been there for as long as I can remember. It was just something I limited myself from doing. I wasn't trained. I didn't feel I was good. I wasn't this. I wasn't that. I had the kind of thinking the course wanted you to obliterate from your life. I've always belted out tunes in my car but never around other people as I didn't want to be criticized for how I sounded. I knew I could carry a tune but would compare myself to other people and thought why bother trying to do something with it. It would take me forever to catch up to THOSE people. I mean...I am 33 right...kind of a late start. However...things changed the night I started singing with my brother. This new venture didn't have to have an outcome of any kind. It just had to be done because I loved doing it. That's it. The passion was let out, and although I was completely insecure and afraid to even sing in front of my family for god sakes, the joy was immense. I felt alive, warm, and felt a buzz that alcohol could never create! It came from the heart! 

Soon after that night, we started having discussions about performing together live which scared the absolute SHIT OUT OF ME!! I've never been a great public speaker or felt comfortable doing anything in front of people throughout my entire life. I remember the massive anxiety I felt when I had to do speeches at school (perhaps it was choosing the lame subject of swimming for my first ever speech that was the catalyst to this problem). I would hope to god each year that boys I liked were NOT in my classes that required presentations. That honestly was the first thing I would think of when I read the list of names that would be in my class for the year, on the first day of school *sigh* The trials of life. I tested people throughout the next few months, letting them hear the recording of the song my brother and I recorded to observe their reaction. I certainly wasn't going to go on stage if I was going to make people's ears bleed. I didn't tell them it was me singing with him either to see if they could tell who it was. None of them had any idea it was me. People were pleasantly surprised when I told them (it began clear to me that my talking voice is much less enjoyable than my singing voice) so I kept practicing with my brother and decided to take the leap of performing live. Doomsday came very quickly, which was scheduled for January 10th, 2012. I was to perform one song at The Moonshine Cafe in Oakville, a cute little bar that is known for its wonderful musical acts and love of music in general. I have become a regular at this place and am generally known for being the extremely loud (probably annoying) girl there. No one at this bar that I got to know over this year had any idea that I actually enjoyed singing and that I could carry a tune somewhat. The only singing they had ever heard from me was the extremely terrible kind where I would pretend to sound like real crap to avoid being vulnerable. SO it was fun to be able to surprise everyone...which is what I did. I felt like I was going to be sick from nerves for the two whole days leading up to this fateful Tuesday night but battled through the feelings and stuck with the decision to perform.  I entered the Moonshine trying to remain calm and act like I was just there to enjoy the nights music. We decided we were going to sing our song third of my brother's three song set. As I sat through his first song waiting for my turn to come, I suddenly forgot all my words. I started to panic. I hadn't written anything down!!!! God help me! I had one more song before I had to go on. However, my brother being the ever so kind brother he is, decided why not surprise Lianne and have her go up during the second song! I suddenly heard..."SO...blah blah blah...something something something...Lianne to the stage". What the fuck dude. Are you kidding me?? Do you not realize I don't know the words anymore?? I slowly walked up to the stage with people around me most likely confused as to what was happening here. I did a sound check and then the song started. My hand was firmly fastened around the mic the entire time - I was trying to play the part of an established musician ;). I hoped to god as my brother started singing that the words would suddenly appear in my blank head space. Thankfully as I started to sing, the words started to come back, but as they started to come back my body started to move. I couldn't stop moving actually for the entire song and it looked like I was doing some horrific aerobic-dance-class-walking-on-the-spot move. I was desperately trying to figure out where to look and was trying not to look like I wanted to run off the stage. As the song went on my nerves started to calm a bit and I began to enjoy myself. I was so thankful to be up there with my brother, singing his incredible song, and living out one of my passions. When the song ended, hearing the cheers of the supportive crowd was unbelievable. I had survived my first performance and was so happy it was at the Moonshine. 

I have learned throughout this process that I have really been afraid expressing my own voice. Not just my singing voice, but of being heard in general. I think its mainly that I've never been confident in what I have to say so I don't really say much of anything. Singing in front of people has been the most vulnerable situation I've ever experienced next to doing a few acting classes with the wonderfully talented Tom Melissis. I felt like my soul was there for all to see and that scared me - A LOT!. I realized how afraid I was of what people thought of me and how uncomfortable it made me feel removing the shell I put around myself for protection. Mike and I have now performed four times together and will be continuing to do more shows throughout this month. It's been a great experience so far and I have signed up to do some singing lessons in hopes to learn some proper breathing techniques and exercises to improve my range. I challenge everyone to do something this year that really brings you out of your comfort zone. Think of a dream that you never felt you could accomplish due to the limitations you've put in front of yourself. Anything is possible really. It's just having the belief that you can do it that makes dreams turn into action.  I never in a million years would have thought I'd be singing in front of people and now I have and I'm so happy I did!!!! 

Next challenge...being less ignorant and more informed with the world's issues. Stay tuned.

Have a great week everyone!

Lovely Lianne :) XO

Mike and I performing at The Moonshine Cafe - 2nd performance night for me.

Lyrics from Paul Brandt:

I’d rather stand on the edge of a cliff
And hang my toes over a bit,
And then jump when they dare me,
Even if it scares me and I get hurt.
I’d rather build my wings on the way down,
Do my best not to fall to the ground
and than laugh at my mistakes
‘cause there only lessons I’ll learn

I’d rather burn with desire deep in my soul,
And love like a fire that’s out of control, and laugh and dance and hope
and chance and kiss
I’d rather live my whole life
with a sense of abandon,
Squeeze every drop out,
no matter what happens.
And not wonder what I've missed
I’d rather risk.

Well I guess I could just play it safe
and forget about love, hope and faith,
with my eye on the shore line,
keeping my boat tied and staying home,

ohhh but I’ll never discover new land
by keeping my feet on the sand
No I’d rather set sail
and get carried away by the storm.

I’d rather burn with desire deep in my soul,
And love like a fire that’s out of control, and laugh and dance and hope
and chance and kiss
I’d rather live my whole life
with a sense of abandon,
Squeeze every drop out,
no matter what happens.
And not wonder what I've missed
I’d rather risk.
I would rather risk

I’d rather burn with desire deep in my soul,
And love like a fire that’s out of control,
I’d live my whole life
with a sense of abandon,
Squeeze every drop out
no matter what happens.
And not wonder what I've missed
Oh I just can’t resist,
The chance to risk

Ohhh live, and love and laugh and dance and fall and chance and kiss