Have You Ever Been Afraid of Love?

Accompanied by "I Wanna Know What Love Is" by Foreigner. Fun song to scream out in the car. 

I can't believe it's the end of August already!!!!! Four more days until I turn....18. Sheesh. Where the time has flown eh?

These past few months I've really been talking a lot about love and all the stuff surrounding that word. Unconditional loooove....hook-uuuupsssss....daaaaating...all fun stuff. With all this talk about love I have come to a conclusion that...I am in LOVE with LOVE (or maybe the idea of love)!!! I AM! And I freakin' love boys as my friend Dave pointed out this week (well more men than boys because that would make me a pedophile/puma/cougar and I refuse to be labeled...psh). Thanks as well Dave for posting that on my Facebook wall. I am definitely a romantic at heart and have loved the idea of relationships since I was in day care (and that's no joke!!!) I remember exchanging buttons with a boy at the sandbox when I was probably four. Now I remember people pressing my buttons if you know what I mean...woot woot!! (too much info for some people but whatever!) I cry at all the sappy romantic comedies (and love all the making out/sex stuff...yeah yeah). I love the excitement of someone new in my life. I love the banter and the flirting in the beginning. I love daydreaming about where it could possibly lead, and all the things we could do together. I love seeing old people holding hands at the restaurant still engrossed in conversation like they just met (or maybe they did just meet but regardless it's super cute). Like what could you possibly still talk about??! I love all of it from afar because it's not going to break up with me that way. Pathetic eh?? I theeeeeeen start to freak out when there is a possibility that love could actually happen to ME and a new situation could actually turn out! Holy mother of God! A relationship!!!! For someone who loves love I should be more excited about the possibilities of love, however I am not. I may have become a bit jaded over the years observing certain marriages in my immediate family, or seeing the divorce rate rapidly climbing...or seeing people cheating on each other all the time. I'm actually petrified of the reality of love and the possibility of rejection and people getting bored of me. There is such a deep seeded fear of being unloved and major fears that I'm not worthy of love. I'm also pretty independent so until the right guy comes a long I'm pretty fine with being single. I tend to pick guys that are a bit of a challenge and give me bread crumbs for attention (or are total flakes). Things start off great in the beginning - there's flirting, attentiveness, and mutual interest, and then as my interest starts to show a bit more I start to get taken for granted. For instance, typical texting conversations start to go like this:

Me: Hey there! How's it going? How was your weekend?
Him: Good.
Me: What did you do? Was it fun?
*five hours later*
Him: Bar. Yah. (didn't think that that question took a large amount of thought)
Me: Cool!
Him: **TUMBLE WEEDS AND CRICKETS**
Me: K...see ya.
Him: **TUMBLE WEEDS AND CRICKETS**

Asshole.

OR It's this:

Me: Hey :) What's up?
NO ANSWER.

Fuck you then.

I pretend that this doesn't really bother me and don't really say anything to avoid any conflict, but it effing does bother me! Am I not worthy of a simple answer (and for anyone I have done that to I am seriously sorry!)? The worst is, is if I don't contact them for a week they will write me to see what's going on and where I've been but then not answer after a few messages. Why are you bothering buddy? Are you checking to see if I'm still pining over you? Damn egos. No...I'm not pining over you. I'm avoiding you and your nonsense behaviour. HAH! SO THERE! I could be attracting these people because I subconsciously know they aren't available emotionally and have their own commitment issues or could be attracting them because I feel that's what I deserve deep down inside. I tend to waste more time on the guys that aren't worth my time than see the great guys in front of me. This has been my predicament. Allowing yourself to receive the right kind of love means that you have to also love yourself wholeheartedly. And by loving yourself, I mean loving ALL parts of yourself. Loving your big feet, or your personality. Loving the fact that you explode with anger or have a bad day. Loving your past and your soul. If you love yourself you won't accept any shit from other people because you know you deserve the best. This has been a battle I've faced for a while, but have slowly started to conquer. I have always felt I needed to defend or justify who I am because obviously I am not a wallflower in this world and people like to throw out their opinions. I tend to have believed most of these opinions and started to feel like a defect or ashamed. I know I'm a bit too much to handle at times...perhaps having a bit too much energy, or perhaps being a little bit too loud most times but sometimes I can't help that!! I know I talk too much, and run around like a 5 year old but that's me god damnit! I have to just accept that I'm not made for everyone and to not take things personally and move on to people who do appreciate me. And that goes for all people in my life. It doesn't mean I'm undeserving of love.

I'm going on a date tonight with a truly nice guy who actually carries on a conversation, who planned out the date, and who is genuinely excited to go on this date. I, on the other hand, am kind of scared. This all seems too easy. I'm waiting for the ball to drop or for myself to just sabotage it. We are going golfing so hopefully I don't hit anything I'm not supposed to. If anything it will be good practice to be courted and to be treated with respect (even if it doesn't work out in the end). Wish me luck!!!

Lovely Lianne :) xo