I needed this today. This video by my new friend Kate Drummond was one I could completely relate to. It inspired this blog and got me out of my funk. Link is below if you'd like to watch as well :) I recommend it!
Chasing dreams and beginning again | Kate Drummond | TEDxStMaryCSSchool
This last little while I've been feeling super weird. Super lost. Super numb. Super uneasy and anxious. I'm 36 years old and still trying to love myself. To accept myself. To enjoy being in my skin. I have lived my life listening to other people's versions of how to possibly live my life, trying to find a place in the world and make sense of why we are even here. It's been an emotional roller coaster of a life thus far, full of joy, triumphs, heart ache, anxiety, depression, frenzy, adventures. I was the kid with the big feet, the kid who was too tall, towering over all the boys and never being the one to get picked for a dance. I was timid, self-conscious, and desperately trying to be accepted, all while not really accepting myself in the process. I was the kid that constantly got grounded for being mouthy and opinionated, for sticking up for myself, for talking too much in class, and being forced to become friends with classroom corners. I have been searching for my purpose in life, dabbling in everything possible to make something out of myself, but what does that even mean? What does MAKE something actually look like and why is it so important to me? Why do I want to be in the spotlight so bad? Why do I want to impact people so much? What is my driving force? Part of it is about seeking validation. There is such a strong desire to be seen and validated because I've felt invisible and unworthy, and unlovable, and unheard for so many years. I want to prove to those people and myself that that isn't true. I AM SOMETHING. Or am I? Perhaps I am a failure. Perhaps I won't be anything in life, whatever that means. How many people have felt like failures based on not getting ahead or not being that version of success that society puts on such a pedestal? What is success truly?
I quit my part-time job in the summer time and it's been quite a process trying to be content with so much time on my hands. It's given me the chance to spend some quality time with me, myself and I and god damnit that has been hard to do. I have ADHD so sitting down for five minutes to do anything that takes a large amount of concentration and soul searching is hard to do. I want instant gratification and results - LIKE FIVE MINUTES AGO! It takes a whole life time to figure out who you are because who you are changes a million times over. That's a little daunting. We are constantly evolving, and having the patience and insight to accept those changes can be unnerving and hard for someone who doesn't have patience at all. Patience really IS A VIRTUE I TELL YOU!! And what?? I'm supposed to spend time with me?? Can I stand doing that? For a large part of my life, I've had this fear that people will get bored of me. That I won't have enough to say or I haven't done enough in my life to have them stick around. Why would I want to spend time with THAT person? No way. I'd rather spin my wheels some more and distract myself from really truly getting to know myself. BUT where has that gotten me so far? In limboland...that's where and kind of alone. It takes work to be honest with yourself and have compassion for yourself. Being honest with yourself and truly looking in the mirror and accepting whatever good or bad things have happened to you thus far is HARD! That takes accepting the truth in general. I have not been a perfect person. I have done things that have cost me a job I love, made me feel ashamed, regretful, all sorts of different emotions. I'm doing my best to be the person I want to be proud of and I'm trying to learn to be less reactive and frustrated and....patient.
Kate really opened my eyes again and reminded me that success doesn't mean your name in lights. Success is being happy within yourself and living out the dreams you want to live out - despite where they might get you in life. We are here to be joyful, and present and grateful that we are alive. Life presents us with so many lessons and it is our job to look at those lessons as opportunities and grow from them. They are another clue and stepping stone to figuring out who you are as a person and live the life you've always imagined. Being honest with yourself and truly being grateful, attracts so much abundance and positive energy into your life, you won't even know what to do with it!!! It's because you are living through your heart centre. You exude so much happiness, that the universe can't help but amplify that and hand you over what you've always desired. I recently started an abundance course, full of meditations and questions to sift through to start chipping away at the blocks in my life which includes thoughts of lack, of my tremendous fear of failure and not living up to my potential before I die, of not being good enough in this world. We are all good enough. We are all lovable. We are all worthy of the best life, despite the mistakes we make in our lives along the way. I want to walk around this earth knowing wholeheartedly that it is OK to not be perfect. That my shit stinks like everyone else's. Freeing myself of caring what other people think and taking life into my own hands instead of living out what other people think is good for me will be a struggle but an amazing feat at the end of it all!
It's OK to not have all your shit together all the time. To not have all the answers. I don't need to put that unnecessary pressure on myself any longer. It's OK to fumble and stumble through life until answers come to you. It's OK to not know where you want to go. It's OK to be in the dark until the light comes shining through eventually. There are no rules on how to live your life. It's a hard thing to do making a life for yourself. It's a hard thing taking a leap to doing what you want to truly do once you figure that out or finally listen to your heart. Who cares if that means you want to join the circus, collect garbage, be a mailman, pick up shit for a living. If that's what you love, then go for it!!!! That love will attract more love, and more love, and more love. And people will be inspired and will bask in that love and that passion you exude and try and make their own best life! Let your pilot light BURN BRIGHT (as Kate mentioned), keep moving forward and be the best person you can be!
My life long dream involves helping people in whatever capacity. It's still to be determined how that will look like but I have many ideas. I've always wanted to write a children's book about being yourself, and being OK with being different. I've also wanted to perform as a musician and be a motivational speaker but again, gaining the confidence that I have what it takes to do that is still in the works.
Thank you Kate Drummond for yet another inspiring piece of information to help me along my journey. You inspired me and I'm very proud of you for taking the leap to living your OWN BEST LIFE!!!
Love you all!
Lovely Lianne xoxo