Thursday, 30 June 2011
Have You Ever Done The Hokey Pokey of Life?
Accompanied by "The Hokey Pokey".
Everyone knows these famed lyrics (insert lyrics here as I'm not putting them in my blog! haha http://bussongs.com/songs/hokey_pokey.php). We sang them as children most likely in a big circle in kindergarten (or perhaps in a bar as well as adults?), but have you ever really thought about what they mean? Well after a week of ups and downs I started to think about the lyrics and coined my week the Hokey Pokey of Life week. Most of my life I've waited for the ball to drop any time something good came along, as it generally did. Whether it was boyfriends, plans, jobs, potential exciting happenings of life, things just seemed to end suddenly and it was hard to take. For the last month I've been feeling really great about where my life has been heading. I found love in writing, been to some great events and just generally have been feeling happier and more confident these days! I have felt like I'm moving forward rather than laying stagnant in one position and I feel a zest for life again. However with that said, this past week has been rather difficult, as many obstacles were thrown at me.
First Obstacle: My dog was put down which was really hard to deal with. I did not think I would feel like I did but being in the room with him was the toughest thing I've had to do in a long time.
Second Obstacle: A bit of rejection. Well being rejected four times in a row more specifically. I'm cool.
My mind's interpretation - I'M GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER!!!
Third Obstacle: My Much Music interview fell through due to scheduling conflicts. Boo.
My mind's interpretation - I feel like I've failed the magazine.
Now I know these obstacles are not big in some people's eyes (except for my dog), but when they are bunched together, the whole combined experience just deflates you. I wonder "why can't life just keep moving forward, instead of forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards?? BAH!" Since childhood I've gone through some pretty volatile times with my family, and was sexually assaulted and sexually harassed in my late teens/early twenties. The last years or so have also been pretty stressful. I have never felt that feeling of stability because something was ALWAYS occurring that set me back a hundred steps. I felt like giving up A LOT! but kept on going with plenty of support behind me which I'm truly grateful for. I seemed to always pick the harder road and I'm learning to change that. It was hard seeing certain people sail through life with ease, achieving all their goals, and getting everything they wanted. I couldn't help but think "why does all this shit have to happen to me??" To put things in perspective (when I started to go down that path of thinking), I thought about all the people that had it much worse than I did and from there I just kept trying to improve my life.When things started going well this month and then these obstacles were presented to me, I thought to myself..."I'm doing the damn Hokey Pokey!!!" When I put one foot in (forward), I end up having to put one foot out (backwards) - or more like my foot was being forced out! I became frustrated and rather down on myself. I started to think "maybe this writing thing isn't for me. I can't make it in life doing this. I don't know what to say!" I was falling back into a destructive thought pattern that I wanted to escape from. Fear was setting in. My mom gave me some advice and said to me that I need to stop taking things so personally. So I thought about it and YES. That is correct. I am not giving up on this dream and will face many obstacles along the way that I have to just let roll off my back. Sometimes it's just difficult to not take things personally.
When I was reading other interpretations of the song I saw one that suggested it being a song about committing yourself to life. I thought this interpretation also reflected my own life! As my life has gone on, I've had a hard time committing to one idea for many aspects of my life. Whether it was taking a risk in something I love, making plans, finding a new job, or dating, I put one toe in and kept one toe out, afraid to put my whole foot or self in, in fear that I will fail or I will be rejected (or that I will make the wrong decision that will keep me stuck in a situation I don't want to be in - which I've mentioned before). In doing that I haven't allowed myself to really see what COULD happen. When I went to Arizona I was told to make an intention of what I wanted to happen in my life for the next year and stick with it (as I've always scattered myself in many different directions). Scattering yourself all over the place doesn't really allow you to master anything and leaves you up in the air most of the time. SO that's why the writing came in and that's the mindset I came into Ontario with on April 12th, 2011. I decided from that day on to really keep my mind set on my intention, and I can really say that since doing that things have started to unfold. I've met people in the industries I'm interested in, have started my blog, have joined the internship, have been to many cool events, have met lots of cool people and have been able to socialize with people of like minds! Through enduring the trials and tribulations of my life I have learned to fight and to survive and to get through hard obstacles. This new journey isn't going to be without it's own roadblocks and I just need to keep that in mind and roll with it once they come. I suppose last week was just an off week and that's OK to have as well :) So from this day forward I'm going to continue toooooo:
Put my whole self in,
Put my whole self out;
Put my whole self in,
And shake it all about.
I'm sure I'll be doing the Hokey-Pokey,
and turning myself around.
but that's what life is all about :)
Sorry for the delay in writing!!!! I hope this one didn't make anyone too depressed! Have an amazing long weekend everyone!!!! I'm loving this weather! If anyone is going to Ottawa and sees Will and Kate...blow a kiss to Will from me!!! :)
Love you all! xoxo