Have You Ever Wondered Why You Are Here??

Blog accompanied by India Arie's "Headed in The Right Direction". The words are perfect :)

"There is a hidden purpose working for our evolution in every event, every action, every thought. Find this purpose and live by it." ~ Deepak Chopra

Yeah okay Deepak Chopra. Thanks for making this sound like such an easy fucking task to do!!!! Pft.

    I saw this quote yesterday and found it's rather fitting for my life, as this idea of finding a purpose in life has caused me some grief in the past few years. Ok maybe it's more like the last 7 years to be more specific. I look around and see people around me finding jobs they love, creating beautiful families and living what it seems to be a content, happy life. I wonder how the hell they got there and how they found out what their passion was so fast. Or how did they gain the confidence or insight to do what they are doing?? Or how did life just fall into place for them???? And why can't I be focused and confident enough to do this for myself??????  GAH!!! This way of thinking of course is crazy making and I advise against going down this path. I shouldn't be comparing myself to anyone as everyone is here on a different journey, but fuck still!! How DID THEY DO IT??! I feel so behind! **insert sobbing here**.  

   When I went to Arizona this past month, this is the one issue I really wanted to figure out. I went alone so I could eliminate the distractions from having a companion there, and focus on myself. It was a pretty amazing trip and one of the things I learned (and what has been blocking my growth somewhat) is that I've been trying to stuff myself into what western culture perceives a life/purpose is supposed to be like. We've all been conditioned to follow a certain path of life.

STEP ONE: Figure out what you want to do in your life (yah...and that's easy when you're 18 or 19 and still giggling over the word penis! Not a huge expectation to have AT all). 

STEP TWO: Go to school for this new found purpose (or spend $30000 of the government's money to get drunk, sleep in and gain more life experience then knowledge about economics, or outdoor recreation). 

STEP THREE: Get a job.  

STEP FOUR: Get married in your twenties/thirties (well everyone's seen the statistics lately about doing that). 

STEP FIVE: Have a family in your twenties/thirties (because your eggs are going to shrivel up and die if you don’t). 

STEP SIX: Retire and enjoy what's left of your life (awesome). 

STEP SEVEN: Die. The end.

Well what if I don't want to do it that way??? **stamping foot** I mean I certainly don't want to be at step seven, but the rest is a rather contrived way of living that is not suited for everyone. Especially free spirited people with a major attention problem (ahem). It creates a feeling of almost inadequacy when these things aren't fulfilled within the slotted societal time period. It also creates this sense of urgency to get things started and done on “time”, making me scurry even more to find this so called purpose before my shitty Hyundai accent turns into something edible!! I'm almost 33 and I'm still at freaking step one for eff sakes. I mean I've done step two and three, but feel no further ahead in life or fulfilled.  Give me something to work with here God!!! PLEASE! I sit at my desk clicking away at my keyboard, under some horrendous fluorescent lights asking myself, “is this really it? Is this what life is supposed to be like?? Is this my purpose??” HELLLL NO! It doesn’t have to be like this, and no, this can’t be my purpose. There is nothing in my heart saying “stay here…stay here. You have finally found it.” Sitting at a desk pushing papers all day will never be my cup of tea. I have WAY too much energy to burn and am thankful that I’m able to skip up and down the halls at least once or twice a day without getting in trouble. I have equated purpose and success with having a cushy corporate job and have been lost in that way of thinking for a long period of time. I eventually became a rolling stone, dabbling in different things that were of SOME interest to me, that looked to make other people happy and successful. I gathered only bits of information, however, and continued to roll on. I never gained a solid foundation or focus, and I became hopeless and empty inside. I didn't want to be here anymore and became increasingly frustrated by my lack of focus and level of confidence.  Instead of living in the moment and enjoying the journey of life I was outward in the future thinking about what life should be like. Or what my damn purpose was. This folks, is not enjoyable as you can see. It plain sucks actually. Living in limbo land is hard but its best to stay in that present limbo land then make up an entire future existence and be disappointed by never getting there. 

     With that said, I've always known the broader reason of why I'm on this planet. I'm here to help people, and in a large way, and have this huge amount of energy and drive inside, that is so ready to come out if I would just get over my fears and just take a first step into any direction. This is where writing came in and is another thing I figured out while I was in Arizona.  I've always loved writing and find it a way to express myself in a way people can understand me, because when I speak, my words do NOT come out the way I want them to sometimes! The idea of lifting someone’s spirits through writing has always made feel good, because I know it's making someone elses day. Secretly since I was a young girl, I’ve wanted to write novels like Judy Blume. I remember reading her novels late into the night with only a street light lighting the book because I was supposed to be asleep at that hour. However to me this was considered a pipe dream as I needed to pay the bills from being at school,  and had to search out a “real” job to get this done. So down I stuffed this interest. I started this blog to ignite that passion again and get over the fear of what others would think about my writing. Not everyone is going to like what I have to say, and I need to accept it and continue to move through that fear.  I can say as I’m writing these blogs, that I’m starting to feel a sense of excitement again and I feel purposeful and like I have accomplished something! My time is spent on something that I love to do, and not spent scouring Facebook anymore getting more and more envious over other people's lives! Life really is about the journey not the destination and I need to just go with the flow and enjoy the freaking ride. I have to have faith that whatever my purpose is will continue to present itself bit by bit. Thanks for the kind comments I’ve been receiving since these blogs have come out. Those really have meant a lot to me and they have given me that extra confirmation to continue down this path. Au revoir for now! Happy Easter!