Accompanied by "Better Get To Livin'" by Dolly Parton.
Hope all is well with everyone!! It's been a while since my last blog and it's time to let things out!!! So here it goes!
Throughout the last few months, life has certainly been twisting and turning like crazy in both good and challenging ways. My relationship ended (amicably), I started singing lessons to improve my breathing and vocal range (which has also been serving as an amazing therapy session each week!), have been reading some amazing books that have brought about new ways of thinking and being to the table, met some people that have inspired me to change my life for the better, and have been facing my own truth and trying to be honest with myself. I have been inspired to really start making changes in order for me to really truly enjoy my life and with a purpose. No more running away from myself. It is actually crazy to think of how much we DO run away from ourselves! Running away from pain, fear, anxiety, success, joy - LIFE! We overindulge, work too much, play too much, do anything at all to keep ourselves from sitting and looking at ourselves in a truly honest way - without the facade or act. It can be hard to accept who we are - that we may not be these perfect, nice human beings all the time. That doesn't mean we are bad. It just is what it is at that moment, and honestly once you give up trying to be something you're not, a weight just lifts off your shoulders and you start to surrender.
All information I have known in theory regarding how to live life has started to really click and resonate within my body. The idea and benefits of meditation, the feeling of true self-love, self-acceptance and self-worth, the appreciation and self-care for my body, living a purposeful life - I am truly understanding the importance of all of it and truly understanding what it actually FEELS like for once. I've realized even more now how little I've regarded myself for so long, and how much more I want to work towards living a full, happy life. I don't ever want to just exist in life as it is too precious to just waste away. Life is to be soaked in and experienced. However with that said, in order to really put all those theories continuously into practice and live a CONSCIOUS, happy life, DISCIPLINE is necessary and that is where things become challenging for me as I'm a bit of a free spirit. Being a free spirit, living spontaneously from one moment to the next, has been both a blessing and a curse. One would assume that living freely and spontaneously would feel...well...FREE! Yes, I can certainly feel free at times, but on the flip side there is also a lack of direction and purpose that comes along with that feeling. It's like I'm this bird erratically flying above my life below. It's the one area of my life that has reared it's ugly head continuously waiting for me to get with the program. The more I avoid being disciplined and thinking that change will just occur out of thin air, the longer the issues in my life continue - and I'm not getting any younger! It's not that I can't be disciplined or focused when need be, because when I put my mind to something I can manifest it pretty quickly, however when it comes to certain areas of my own personal growth (like just being), I can't seem to stay on task. When I hear the word discipline, I want to run the other way. Like even when I'm writing the word discipline I can feel the anxiety and resistance creeping up like an unwanted friend saying - "No Lianne...stay here with me and have some fun. Do all that shit later." "UH - OK!" I say. Ugh. It's a constant conflict of interest in my brain. I observe people mastering skills, following through with exercise, eating healthy, meditating and I think god damnit I need to get back on track. How do they do that so well?? Four years ago I maintained a major lifestyle change for four whole months - changing my diet completely, taking vitamins, remedies, eliminating alcohol and caffeine, drinking more water, knitting a scarf (thanks Grandma), and it felt glorious! I was finally taking care of myself, and putting me first. I was living a more balanced, structured, accomplished life, and then it all went to shit again. This experience though has proven that I CAN actually do it, and I just need to start one thing at a time and be more gentle with myself in the process. Scheduling and structuring my day, taking time to meditate (even if it's for two minutes), taking time to rehearse (singing and ukulele), taking time to be out in nature, eliminating all the things I can't eat due to allergies, and exercising more, will be my starting point to change. Doing something everyday consistently will help me feel more accomplished and purposeful.
I have been meeting many people as of late who have really pushed me unknowingly to take a good look at myself again and eliminate the excuses as to why I can't live the life I want. I am the one holding me back. I am the one making the decisions. It takes a large amount of effort to change your life around and I've been working towards doing this. I've been slowly accepting parts of myself over the last few months such as maybe not wanting kids, or maybe never getting married, which has been a hard one to accept as both are such normal societal milestones, especially for a woman. I equated not wanting both of these things with being selfish or not being responsible, but this is just not true. If they both happen down the road then so be it, but I realized it is alright that these are not my priorities. It has certainly taken the pressure and time urgency off my shoulders!!! Perhaps this lack of urgency will help the discipline part as I will feel I can take my time to get to develop my skills. There are so many things I want to experience, and with a more balanced state of mind and being I'll be able to get there a bit easier and more consciously (and appreciate things more). I will have more confidence, a more stable energy, a sense of accomplishment, which will in turn attract what I want in life.
I feel an immense amount gratitude and love to those people and experiences that have helped me along my journey. For those people who have come into my life challenging my thoughts and ways of being, lifting my spirits, giving me hugs, cuddles and kisses, being a shoulder to cry on, being a person to vent to - THANK YOU! Tears of joy sprung in my eyes today thinking of these people and life experiences. Instead of playing victim to everything that has happened to me along the way I really am looking at these things as a blessing and taking responsibility - my lack of discipline included. We grow as people when faced with adversity. Shaking up our perceived reality, looking at new perspectives, accepting others for who they are, listening and connecting with others, loving unconditionally, letting go of the past, living in the moment, will all allow us to soar to new heights and awareness. This does not mean we won't be faced with more challenges along the way, but we will feel more equipped when having to deal with them.
To further add to this though - I have to remember the things I've accomplished in life thus far as well (thanks Heather Watts for this reminder!) as I tend to minimize them. Maybe I haven't become president of a huge company, or found the cure for cancer but they are experiences I'm proud of that I have put my heart and soul into and I need to realize that also matters!! It's the little things in life that can bring us peace and joy.
Thank you to all who have listened. Love you guys!!! Have a great weekend!!!
Lovely Lianne xoxo