Monday, 24 October 2011

Have You Ever Been Ruled by Your Emotions?

Accompanied by India Arie's "Slow Down". This would also be applicable to my Slow Down post!!!! BUT this entire song is where I'm at right now! It's like she's singing about my life!!!! Creeeepy. 

"So long as we are under the control of disturbing emotions, real happiness is hard to find." - Dalai Lama

A change in tune after that lovely Friends With Benefits discussion, but something I've been struggling with these past few weeks that I thought I would share.

After a rather over-indulgent summer (but lots of fun nonetheless!!) I've felt the need to go into a period of hard reflection to get back on track with life. I suddenly had enough of whatever was happening in my life (decisions I was making, where my focus was being directed) and needed to just stop and be still for a little while. Perhaps it was the change of seasons that provided a catalyst for this, but whatever it was I felt the need to retract a bit. I have been reading some great books lately (10-10-10 by Suzy Welch is awesome!), going on some long walks by the trees and water close to my house, getting back to the gym FINALLY, and trying to get back into mediating. Yes MEDITATING!!! I can hear the collective gasp around the world. Most people feel this is an impossible feat for someone like me, or are shocked to know that I in fact took meditation classes that had me sitting in silence for a 45 WHOLE MINUTES without moving!!!!!! Impressive I KNOW! It was quite the accomplishment letting my constant flow of thoughts sail right through my head without attaching myself to them. PFFFFT...OK...just I attached myself to some of them, but nevertheless, I didn't vocalize these thoughts to anyone at that particular moment like I normally would so yay for freakin me! YAY I SAY!!! (Homer...I had an inner filter!!! haha let your mom know!)  Meditating is an important and necessary factor to finding clarity in your life and to feel inner peace. It allows us to silence all the chaos and emotional turmoil that resides in any one of us, and helps release those negative emotions or find truth and hear what our hearts have to say. It helps us discipline our minds and let our emotions simmer down - which means allowing ourselves to detach from them!!! This is freakin hard to do I tell you! I have definitely been ruled by my emotions more often than not which doesn't come as a surprise to anyone!! I am one that is quick to react which is not uncommon for people to do, but something that would be best to control. Who hasn't yelled at the 89 year old woman in the car in front of you going 40 in a sixty when you're late for work though?! Or who hasn't scoffed at the person with 17 food items in a 16 item lane??! Or who hasn't made things worse in their head (or perhaps an entirely different scenario) than what's actually happening in reality?  I'm only human damnit!! *sob* There really has to be a balanced state of heart and mind because that is where you'll find happiness and contentment. I've longed for that inner peace and sense of contentment, but I give into my ego and reactions too often because quite honestly it's harder to NOT react than to just calm down and find another way to solve the issue at hand.

Sometimes we actually LIKE to get caught up in the excitement or drama of a situation as it makes you feel alive or that you are feeling at all (whether it be blowing things out of proportion with your boyfriend or husband (with hopefully a damn good make-up session after), or getting so excited over chocolate that you're shaking inside). It becomes as addicting as a drug however, as you start to feed off the high whether it's good or bad. The feeling becomes familiar and you start to associate certain situations with this type of feeling. This way of living is not really living at all as there is a lack of stability associated with it. It causes stress on the body and mind and should be nipped in the bud. Once the adrenaline dies down the other extreme presents itself and its not that fun. I have struggled with feeling content when nothing is really going on in my life and when my emotions I guess are at a balanced point (which is generally thought of as a good thing to most people!!!). I equate this straight lined emotional level as having a lack of purpose and start to feel bored and like I'm not living life to its potential. I then search for the next thing that will make my life more exciting. It's a vicious circle!!!! I have to remember that it is OK to be at a stand still; to be calm at times; and to rest and be patient with life. This doesn't mean I can't have that zest for life, it just means I can have that zest for life with a clearer heart and mind!  It is not wasting time letting life unfold by itself. And it is not being a boring old person if I am NOT letting my emotions rule my world. Being grounded is the way to be apparently *sigh*.

Anywho...those are my thoughts right now. This clearly is nothing like the last post but hopefully someone can relate to this one!!!!

Til next time (which will be after Vegas...eek. Trouble fo sho biatches!!! Definitely won't be grounded there!!)

Lovely Lianne ;) XO

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Have You Ever Had a Back-Up or a Friend With Benefits?

Accompanied by "Booty Call" by G.Love and The Special Sauce.


I was going to write about something else this week but my co-worker and I from a restaurant I work at engaged in an interesting conversation topic the other night. It was about emergency sex. Or a "Back-Up Reserve". OR FWB (Friends with Benefits). Or simply put...Fuck buddies. There were two whole movies made about this topic this past year or two, and numerous stories and articles written about it, which led me to ask the question: Has anyone had (or has) someone like that in their life? It's really the perfect set up to satisfy your needs when you are single and do not want a relationship (or do not have any prospects at that time). You trust that're attracted to that person (or perhaps not really)...and that person is just as ready to go as you are. Perfect deal if you can keep your feelings from squashing this set-up!! For me I've only had a few back-ups in my lifetime (when I was at school) and have been approached by a few friends to engage in this FWB thing. If I were drunk maybe I would do my friends but I can't just have sex with them if I'm not feeling any attraction there. Sex without that animalistic passion of wanting to rip someone's clothes off isn't really that fun!!!! It's just sex then, and personally I'd feel like a prostitute if the attraction wasn't mutual. I don't want to be pretending to make sounds of enjoyment when I could actually be making sounds of enjoyment because I was enjoying it.

HIM: This feels so good doesn't it?
ME: Uh...oh...oh...oh. Yah...totally.

I often wonder if people can really carry on doing this for a long period of time without getting their feelings involved. Personally I don't think many people (maybe more women then men) can and I certainly can't. We aren't robots, and deep down people want to feel that connection with someone and not see it as just sex. Doing it once or twice is alright but continuous intimacy will form attachment eventually. That friend or back-up starts to look mighty fine and you start to wonder if there could be a future together. Once that scenario starts in your head freakin ABORT!!!! if it's only sex you are after and if you want to still remain friends at the end. You don't want to feel like you're breaking up with someone or feel like you are being used when its all said and done.

Here are some of the many rules to follow that I found in my research that helps a FWB situation to successfully continue (mainly for woman) without emotions getting involved:

1. Don't Try to Change Them. This is a sure recipe to getting hurt. It's supposed to be casual and fun with no strings attached. They don't have to fit into the boyfriend/girlfriend mold in your head.

2. Don't Be the Affair. Self-Explanatory.

3. Don't Be Exclusive. Date other guys or else you'll become attached to this one situation. And don't go out the bar with your back-up if you're looking to pick up other people. What if you didn't pick someone up and they did? Claws may come out.

4. Communicate. If you don't want to do it anymore say it before things get weird, hurtful and just shitty.

5. Don't Force or Expect Them To Do "girly/boyfriendy" Things. It's not a relationship of that kind so don't make it like it is.

6. Be Understanding. If your FWB finds someone else in the process of effing, be happy for them and move on.

7. Don't Be Dependent. Do not look for a few "benefits" to make yourself feel desirable or pretty.
8. Be SAFE!!! You don't want a baby with this dude/chick...or an STD.
9. Have FUN! That's the whole point isn't it?

10. Set Up Some Ground Rules First.
Make sure you air out all the boundaries and rules before you start the deed. Time, place, who you are going to tell, etc.

11. Set Up a Time Frame.
The more you eff the more it's going to be harder to break it off for one of the parties involved. Set up a time frame of how long this can go on for.

Except for respect of course.You shouldn't feel cheap or devalued.

13.AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD (from me)...DO NOT enter into a FWB "relationship" PRETENDING this is all you want if you have been secretly in love with this friend or guy/girl of yours. Your mad sexual acrobatic skills will not woo them into wanting you all of a sudden (unless you're Jenna Jamieson in bed perhaps).  Rule #11 won't come by easily along with all the other rules for that matter! And conversely, DO NOT get into a FWB with someone you know has liked YOU forever just to suit your own needs (as you know it would be a sure thing). Being completely selfish isn't the name of this game as you ARE friends first.

Anywho for those that can do this...good on you!!!  To have sex with someone you've cared about as a friend and person in general is a little harder and could be dangerous territory to cross into. There is definitely nothing wrong with trying to fulfill a human need and have some fun along the way. It's if you can handle it that's the issue.

Those are my thoughts!!!! Have a great day everyone!

Lovely Lianne ;) XO