Thursday, 13 June 2013

Have You Ever Experienced Loss In Your Life?

 Accompanied by "I Miss You" by Avril Lavigne.

 Hello all,

As many of you know, it has been a very tough week for me. I thought I would write a blog about my experience as part of my healing process. Each day is getting better, but my heart is still broken.

Just another day at work
Don't be fooled by the bows
On June 5th, 2013, I had to make the very difficult decision of putting my little girl Maddie (Moo) down to rest after 12 wonderful years. My heart has been aching with pain and sadness ever since. The silence is deafening as I sit here in my apartment. Coming home is something I dread more than enjoy at this moment. It feels almost suffocating being in this space. Everything reminds me of her and all I want to do is hold her and see her again. It is a surreal feeling knowing I will never physically get to see my sweet girl again in this lifetime. The sense of loss has been overwhelming and rather difficult to process. I know in theory Maddie is with me in spirit and I am never alone and that time will heal this pain, however with that said I have never felt so alone before in my life. She has been my constant companion ever since I moved out on my own and I didn't realize until this past week how much her presence helped me feel safe and fulfilled. It seems rather crazy that the death of an animal can produce this much heartache, but she was more than just an animal to me. She was like my child. We were two peas in a pod. We were almost like an old married couple at times! Although Maddie was kind of super crazy and her attitude made her infamous around any neighbourhood we moved to, it's that attitude that made me love her even more. Everyone remembered who my crazy little fur ball was after meeting her only once. Perhaps that isn't something to brag about, but I don't care. She had a big personality and I loved her for that. It didn't matter that people questioned why I kept such a crazy dog. I would do anything for her. I learned to love unconditionally, and having her in my life made me realize that I AM able to connect with another being with all my heart. She was my mirror in a lot of ways as she too had issues fully trusting others, was very independent, had a crazy sex drive, and had her emotional highs and lows. She was my barometer for how anxious I was or how much negativity I was carrying around that day - which was generally displayed by vicious growls at my face. Yes it was the right thing to do to assist her in leaving this earth, as the quality of her life was dwindling, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I miss her everyday.

This loss made me truly empathize more than ever, with people who have lost children, parents, relatives, and companions they've held dear to their hearts. It is a pain that is inevitable in life. I too have had people and animals close to me pass away, however it never felt quite like this. It is the cycle of life and the reason we need to cherish each other, our animals, and our planet every day. We need to soak their souls in, their uniqueness, their faults and shining moments, and take care of each other the best we can.

What I Love and will miss most about my Moo Moo...

I will miss seeing her squeeze her little face through the bathroom door everyday to pay a visit.
I will miss having her wander into my office and nudge my hand to pet her. 

Scared of the thunder
I will miss hearing the pitter patter of her feet following me around the apartment.
I will miss her sleeping by my bedroom door, making me feel protected.
I will miss feeling her fur.
I will miss hearing her hump her stuffed alligator and drag it across the floor over and over again.
I will miss taking her for walks and seeing her bright coat shine in the sun. 

I will miss seeing her lie under the glass table while I eat...peering up expectantly.
I will miss feeling her wet nose on my hand or face.
I will miss her scent and her beautiful brown eyes staring up at me.
I will miss her waking me up every morning after I've hit the snooze button for the third time so she could eat her scrumptious food. 

I will miss having to explain to people every walk I go on, this:

Me: "No no don't try and pet her. She's not very nice."*
Them: Yah right. She's so cute *proceeds to bend down to pet her and cute Moo turns into rabid Moo*

End scene.
All groomed and ready to mingle

I will miss seeing her tap dancing away for her treats. 
I will miss seeing her prance across the floor. 
I will miss cuddling with her on the floor.
I will miss seeing her run after her squeaky "wooleys".
I will miss hearing her eat her crunchy dog food. She had no manners.
I will miss seeing her chase squirrels and hearing her bark at everything under the sun.

I will miss how we sometimes share the same menstrual cycle! Imagine how the house was then!
I will miss her crazy growl and her low manly bark.
I will miss her cuddling up to me when thunderstorms roll in and the smoke alarm goes off.
I will miss seeing her make a bed out of anything that is on the floor.
I will miss hearing her sing to my dad's trumpet.
I will miss seeing her sleep and looking so peaceful.
I will miss her making me laugh with her craziness.
I will miss my TV watching companion. 

Her lover of 12 years - Ali

I will miss seeing her bark at dogs on the TV.
I will miss her unimpressed glares at me and anyone else she came into contact with.
I will miss hearing her waiting excitedly by the door when I get home from work.
I will miss her sleeping under my bed when she gets scared of the loud noises outside.
I will miss hearing her snore.
I will miss seeing her run after the crazy Canadian geese or other birds.
I will miss seeing her looking so happy with the wind blowing in her face while we go on our car rides.

I will miss our lazy afternoons watching movies. 

I will never forget my little one and hope she is stirring up some trouble up above. I will love you forever Madster. 

"I know.  I'm beautiful."

Lovely Lianne xoxo


  1. Thanks Laura :) xo It's been kinda tough! Day by day! Hope you are well!

  2. You have captured the feelings and emotions so clearly, I can truly empathize with you as my Joy passed away last month. Truly you have a gift for writing - perhaps you should continue. I am so sorry that Maddie is no longer with you. I feel alongside with you xoxoxox Brenda