Thursday, 6 October 2011

Have You Ever Had a Back-Up or a Friend With Benefits?

Accompanied by "Booty Call" by G.Love and The Special Sauce.


I was going to write about something else this week but my co-worker and I from a restaurant I work at engaged in an interesting conversation topic the other night. It was about emergency sex. Or a "Back-Up Reserve". OR FWB (Friends with Benefits). Or simply put...Fuck buddies. There were two whole movies made about this topic this past year or two, and numerous stories and articles written about it, which led me to ask the question: Has anyone had (or has) someone like that in their life? It's really the perfect set up to satisfy your needs when you are single and do not want a relationship (or do not have any prospects at that time). You trust that're attracted to that person (or perhaps not really)...and that person is just as ready to go as you are. Perfect deal if you can keep your feelings from squashing this set-up!! For me I've only had a few back-ups in my lifetime (when I was at school) and have been approached by a few friends to engage in this FWB thing. If I were drunk maybe I would do my friends but I can't just have sex with them if I'm not feeling any attraction there. Sex without that animalistic passion of wanting to rip someone's clothes off isn't really that fun!!!! It's just sex then, and personally I'd feel like a prostitute if the attraction wasn't mutual. I don't want to be pretending to make sounds of enjoyment when I could actually be making sounds of enjoyment because I was enjoying it.

HIM: This feels so good doesn't it?
ME: Uh...oh...oh...oh. Yah...totally.

I often wonder if people can really carry on doing this for a long period of time without getting their feelings involved. Personally I don't think many people (maybe more women then men) can and I certainly can't. We aren't robots, and deep down people want to feel that connection with someone and not see it as just sex. Doing it once or twice is alright but continuous intimacy will form attachment eventually. That friend or back-up starts to look mighty fine and you start to wonder if there could be a future together. Once that scenario starts in your head freakin ABORT!!!! if it's only sex you are after and if you want to still remain friends at the end. You don't want to feel like you're breaking up with someone or feel like you are being used when its all said and done.

Here are some of the many rules to follow that I found in my research that helps a FWB situation to successfully continue (mainly for woman) without emotions getting involved:

1. Don't Try to Change Them. This is a sure recipe to getting hurt. It's supposed to be casual and fun with no strings attached. They don't have to fit into the boyfriend/girlfriend mold in your head.

2. Don't Be the Affair. Self-Explanatory.

3. Don't Be Exclusive. Date other guys or else you'll become attached to this one situation. And don't go out the bar with your back-up if you're looking to pick up other people. What if you didn't pick someone up and they did? Claws may come out.

4. Communicate. If you don't want to do it anymore say it before things get weird, hurtful and just shitty.

5. Don't Force or Expect Them To Do "girly/boyfriendy" Things. It's not a relationship of that kind so don't make it like it is.

6. Be Understanding. If your FWB finds someone else in the process of effing, be happy for them and move on.

7. Don't Be Dependent. Do not look for a few "benefits" to make yourself feel desirable or pretty.
8. Be SAFE!!! You don't want a baby with this dude/chick...or an STD.
9. Have FUN! That's the whole point isn't it?

10. Set Up Some Ground Rules First.
Make sure you air out all the boundaries and rules before you start the deed. Time, place, who you are going to tell, etc.

11. Set Up a Time Frame.
The more you eff the more it's going to be harder to break it off for one of the parties involved. Set up a time frame of how long this can go on for.

Except for respect of course.You shouldn't feel cheap or devalued.

13.AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD (from me)...DO NOT enter into a FWB "relationship" PRETENDING this is all you want if you have been secretly in love with this friend or guy/girl of yours. Your mad sexual acrobatic skills will not woo them into wanting you all of a sudden (unless you're Jenna Jamieson in bed perhaps).  Rule #11 won't come by easily along with all the other rules for that matter! And conversely, DO NOT get into a FWB with someone you know has liked YOU forever just to suit your own needs (as you know it would be a sure thing). Being completely selfish isn't the name of this game as you ARE friends first.

Anywho for those that can do this...good on you!!!  To have sex with someone you've cared about as a friend and person in general is a little harder and could be dangerous territory to cross into. There is definitely nothing wrong with trying to fulfill a human need and have some fun along the way. It's if you can handle it that's the issue.

Those are my thoughts!!!! Have a great day everyone!

Lovely Lianne ;) XO


  1. Cannot really imagine the No.11. Time frame?? How the hell should I know how long it's going to last:)?? To me it was from just ONE time (and please, oh gosh please, never again) up until a few years...But I like to meet this co-worker of yours:))
    <3 Love ya Lione:)

  2. LOL...welllll...she is quite the character. I think you'd get a long really well!!!! Yah...setting the time frame for having sex isn't like setting a time frame to get your next oil changed haha but it makes sense. It'll help nix those pesky emotions from getting too strong. Love youuu! xo

  3. I love it! When I read it I felt like you were right in front of me telling me the story in person!!!! And totally agree with everything you said! Go girl!