Have You Ever Been Afraid of Love?

Accompanied by "I Wanna Know What Love Is" by Foreigner. Fun song to scream out in the car. 

I can't believe it's the end of August already!!!!! Four more days until I turn....18. Sheesh. Where the time has flown eh?

These past few months I've really been talking a lot about love and all the stuff surrounding that word. Unconditional loooove....hook-uuuupsssss....daaaaating...all fun stuff. With all this talk about love I have come to a conclusion that...I am in LOVE with LOVE (or maybe the idea of love)!!! I AM! And I freakin' love boys as my friend Dave pointed out this week (well more men than boys because that would make me a pedophile/puma/cougar and I refuse to be labeled...psh). Thanks as well Dave for posting that on my Facebook wall. I am definitely a romantic at heart and have loved the idea of relationships since I was in day care (and that's no joke!!!) I remember exchanging buttons with a boy at the sandbox when I was probably four. Now I remember people pressing my buttons if you know what I mean...woot woot!! (too much info for some people but whatever!) I cry at all the sappy romantic comedies (and love all the making out/sex stuff...yeah yeah). I love the excitement of someone new in my life. I love the banter and the flirting in the beginning. I love daydreaming about where it could possibly lead, and all the things we could do together. I love seeing old people holding hands at the restaurant still engrossed in conversation like they just met (or maybe they did just meet but regardless it's super cute). Like what could you possibly still talk about??! I love all of it from afar because it's not going to break up with me that way. Pathetic eh?? I theeeeeeen start to freak out when there is a possibility that love could actually happen to ME and a new situation could actually turn out! Holy mother of God! A relationship!!!! For someone who loves love I should be more excited about the possibilities of love, however I am not. I may have become a bit jaded over the years observing certain marriages in my immediate family, or seeing the divorce rate rapidly climbing...or seeing people cheating on each other all the time. I'm actually petrified of the reality of love and the possibility of rejection and people getting bored of me. There is such a deep seeded fear of being unloved and major fears that I'm not worthy of love. I'm also pretty independent so until the right guy comes a long I'm pretty fine with being single. I tend to pick guys that are a bit of a challenge and give me bread crumbs for attention (or are total flakes). Things start off great in the beginning - there's flirting, attentiveness, and mutual interest, and then as my interest starts to show a bit more I start to get taken for granted. For instance, typical texting conversations start to go like this:

Me: Hey there! How's it going? How was your weekend?
Him: Good.
Me: What did you do? Was it fun?
*five hours later*
Him: Bar. Yah. (didn't think that that question took a large amount of thought)
Me: Cool!
Him: **TUMBLE WEEDS AND CRICKETS**
Me: K...see ya.
Him: **TUMBLE WEEDS AND CRICKETS**

Asshole.

OR It's this:

Me: Hey :) What's up?
NO ANSWER.

Fuck you then.

I pretend that this doesn't really bother me and don't really say anything to avoid any conflict, but it effing does bother me! Am I not worthy of a simple answer (and for anyone I have done that to I am seriously sorry!)? The worst is, is if I don't contact them for a week they will write me to see what's going on and where I've been but then not answer after a few messages. Why are you bothering buddy? Are you checking to see if I'm still pining over you? Damn egos. No...I'm not pining over you. I'm avoiding you and your nonsense behaviour. HAH! SO THERE! I could be attracting these people because I subconsciously know they aren't available emotionally and have their own commitment issues or could be attracting them because I feel that's what I deserve deep down inside. I tend to waste more time on the guys that aren't worth my time than see the great guys in front of me. This has been my predicament. Allowing yourself to receive the right kind of love means that you have to also love yourself wholeheartedly. And by loving yourself, I mean loving ALL parts of yourself. Loving your big feet, or your personality. Loving the fact that you explode with anger or have a bad day. Loving your past and your soul. If you love yourself you won't accept any shit from other people because you know you deserve the best. This has been a battle I've faced for a while, but have slowly started to conquer. I have always felt I needed to defend or justify who I am because obviously I am not a wallflower in this world and people like to throw out their opinions. I tend to have believed most of these opinions and started to feel like a defect or ashamed. I know I'm a bit too much to handle at times...perhaps having a bit too much energy, or perhaps being a little bit too loud most times but sometimes I can't help that!! I know I talk too much, and run around like a 5 year old but that's me god damnit! I have to just accept that I'm not made for everyone and to not take things personally and move on to people who do appreciate me. And that goes for all people in my life. It doesn't mean I'm undeserving of love.

I'm going on a date tonight with a truly nice guy who actually carries on a conversation, who planned out the date, and who is genuinely excited to go on this date. I, on the other hand, am kind of scared. This all seems too easy. I'm waiting for the ball to drop or for myself to just sabotage it. We are going golfing so hopefully I don't hit anything I'm not supposed to. If anything it will be good practice to be courted and to be treated with respect (even if it doesn't work out in the end). Wish me luck!!!

Lovely Lianne :) xo

Have You Ever Had a Vacation Hook-Up?

Accompanied By "I Wanna Sex You Up" by Color Me Bad and "Could You Be Loved" by Bob Marley. You set your own mood.

I was listening to the radio this morning on the way to work and it said that 1/3 of the population (or something like that) has randomly hooked up with someone on vacation. Who hasn't eh? If you haven't get on it. What's funny about this news report is that I was going to write this week's blog about this! It's a sign so here I go. Now...I may be at risk of making myself look like a tramp, but I can assure you I'm far from that...well...when I'm home.

Let's set the scene shall we (hypothetically of course):

"Could You Be Loved" by Bob Marley is playing in the distant background. You're lying on the beach in Jamaica under the stars beside this gorgeous guy named....uh...a guy that you've talked and flirted with all night long. Bow chica bow wow you think. You feel content, and connected.You hold hands as the ocean crashes in front of you, chatting in a VERY tipsy state for hours. You look at each other and start making out. Things start to get a little hot and heavy. Your hair softly blows in the wind (or perhaps wildly but you don't notice). Sand gets in your eyes and in your underwear but you don't care. This is just perfect. Just perfect. It doesn't matter that you can taste the beer your beau had been drinking for the whole night. It was a part of him so it didn't matter. You go back to whoever's hotel room to continue your jaunt as the beach police kick you off the beach for indecent exposure. Oops. You stumble around the room...rip off your clothes as your beau takes a nap (aka. passed out). The rest is of course up to your imagination. Perhaps he was woken up. Perhaps he wasn't. The next day you wake up...look at the OK looking guy next to you smelling like stale alcohol, gently nudge him to wake up. He looks at you...you look at him...and you ask "what the eff is your name again?"

Oh vacation hook ups. How I love you. For me a vacation hook up seems to be the only action I get these days. Like seriously...for me to get ANY action I actually HAVE to leave the province or the country. I don't know what it is...maybe I feel more free and relaxed, maybe I drink more alcohol...maybe I actually make myself available...maybe I'm not working a hundred and one hours a week that I can actually TALK to someone period...maybe I'm just a huge commitment phobe and know it's just for fun!!! Whatever the reason...it's pathetic to think about. The spiders in my room have more sex than I do in my own room! They are certainly fun experiences but short lived. If only I could be as free while at home. C'mon Lovely Lianne!!!! C'mon. Get with the program!!! What's really funny about vacation hookups is that there is this immense amount of passion that comes along with them. You connect quickly and people you may not normally go for at home are somehow good enough to be with on vacation. He could have three eyes, green hair, and a whole body tattoo, but whatever! He's rad! When you get back you want to continue talking and connecting with them and crazily think..."omg I'm going to go to Australia, or BC, or Greece to meet them again and be with them FOREVER!!!" It all feels so romantic and fun and POSSIBLE! Pft. You do connect after the trip and talk for a bit but that eventually fizzles out as you can only talk about what happened on the trip so much. This COULD happen to some people, but that's a long shot. I CAN say that there have been a few guys I've met on vacation that I've met up with when I've gotten home. They did not work out for the long term but it happened damnit! I've added four of the more significant encounters in my short 32 years of living:

NEW YORK GUY: One guy I met while I was in New York on St. Patrick's Day. I didn't even really talk to him all night but we got each other's BBM's at the end of the night and he wouldn't stop messaging me. We didn't hook up while in New York but talked pretty much everyday over BBM after I got back for four months straight. He was super nice, and older than me...and Irish. Accents are sexy. He ended up flying to Port Credit to bring me out on a date which was extremely romantic I thought, and kind of crazy. I wasn't totally sure I wanted him to come but I bit the bullet and out he flew. Why not right? I took Karate classes when I was eight. I could take him down if he turned out to be psycho! We went to dinner by the lake and out to a local bar and got a little tipsy (mainly because I was exhausted from the work day!) The night went alright, although I think he thought it went better than me (at least that's what I was getting after he kept repeating that it was such a fantastic night in my ear). I don't want to divulge too many details from the end of the night as he really is a great guy so that will be kept secret! He flew out again once more a month later and we went to a soccer game and a friends BBQ. It was comfortable and he got along great with my friends. It felt good to be with someone mature and not socially retarded! He came back to my place and we chatted and cuddled but couldn't do much else as my dog wouldn't stop barking at us. She jumped on my bed and sat on his pillow above his head and once below his feet. And she spooned with me! Fucking dog. It was brutal. Needless to say logistically it wasn't happening. He owned a business in New York and I wasn't about to move there (although I love New York City!). Ah well. C'est la vie.

BEN: Then there was Ben. Ben oh Ben. I met him while on an East Coast road trip with my two girlfriends. We met at a bar called Cheers in Halifax (which was our first destination) and he boldly came up to our table of three girls and sat down. He was kind of short (but cute) which I don't normally go for as I'm pretty tall for a girl, but I had a least 8 shots or more by that point and didn't really care. I wanted to kiss a boy and that's what I aimed to do. I actually would have preferred to make out with his tall hot friend but Ben was the ballsy one so Ben it was. Throughout the night he got more and more drunk and even called one of the guys I was with a fag. I slapped his face. You would think that that comment would have deterred me from hooking up with Ben, but no. Beer goggles were tightly fastened around my face and the logical part of my brain was completely turned off. Stupid alcohol. We all stumbled home and whatever happened...uh...happened that night. The next day we exchanged numbers and my friends and I continued on our road trip. Ben was from Ontario and we decided to set up a date when I got home. I thought I'd give him a chance, even with him being short and all. We went to a Jays game and out for dinner and he drank the whole time. It was definitely not the most romantic time but it was fun I guess. We got a long pretty well and met up with some people I knew that we randomly met walking back to his hotel. We all partied that night at The Gladstone (it was karaoke night). That's where things got messy. At the end of the night when we jumped in the cab to go home, he told the cab driver who was wearing a turban that he had a nice hairdo which I got so angry about and I started to yell at him. Then he told this actor that I really liked (since it was TIFF week) that he was a fag. Like seriously guy??? Are you scared of them?? I was completely turned off and that was that! HAH.

VEGAS BOY: Oh Vegas. The land of gambling and secrets. Sin City. And boy did I ever sin. After kissing one guy already and losing my camera (which I proceeded to cry really hard about) at Rain Nightclub, I met "Sean". We talked and danced while Run DMC was doing his thang, and we were having a great time. He seemed pretty cute from what I was able to see, and we seemed to have endless conversation (which probably consisted of a lot of repetition..."Oh this is fun". Yah it's so fun". "Oh this is so fun". "Uh yah...this is so fun."). At the end of the night we shared a long kiss and got each other's phone numbers. This was only the second night that my friends and I were there so there was definite potential to meet up again. And this we did. We met up the second last night I was there. He came over after to my room as he was at a bar in the hotel I was staying at. I had just puked my guts out and I looked ravishing. I quickly brushed my teeth and opened the hotel door. My friend was passed out in the bed beside mine so we ended up going into the lobby to "talk". We actually did talk and we made out on the couch in front of the elevators probably for like two hours. I'm pretty sure the lobby camera caught most of it which I'm sure was nothing new. I'm also sure there was worse things they've seen on those cameras. So blah blah blah we kept kissing and we perhaps ended up in the ice machine room and the staircase at one point to uh...inspect the space. It was quite animalistic and passionate and bad of me but it's Vegas so why not. We didn't part until 8:30 that morning and didn't see each other for the rest of our trip. So sad.

And last but not least....

QUEBEC-ACTION: This trip deserves a blog in itself because it was one of the biggest debacles of my life. It could be Hangover 3 really. I will not be giving too much information about this trip as it will just confirm to my mom that I am in fact an alcoholic (which I am not!). I first of all didn't think I would wake up without a hangover let alone get any action that night. I met "T", who was a Westcoaster, when I ventured back to the place I had my last memory, which was the Chateau Frontenac. This is where we all were pre-drinking. I was hoping I would find my camera and phone as I had them both in someone's room. It was 4:30 a.m. when I started walking to the hotel and I don't know how I was functioning to tell you the truth. By the look of everyone else's faces when I arrived on the 4th floor, neither could they. They looked like they were seeing a ghost. "T" knew who I was due to what ensued 5 hours prior, I however did not remember "T". What I will say is that he is a great guy. He was genuinely concerned for me and he walked around outside with me so I could have some sort of night! The sun was coming up which was kind of nice. THEN whatever happened...happened. Haha. The end. We contacted each other for a long while after that and still text once in a while which is nice. 

There have been a few other scandalous adventures after these ones that I will keep between the people who were a part of them and the friends that I told. HA. I've probably already divulged too much information. Why not add a little excitement to an overworked life though eh? As long as you are safe and you tell your friends where you are going then you are good. That's my advice kids. I am making an extra effort these days to meet people that live closer to me (meaning I'm actually talking to people here period). Not to just hook-up, but to maybe pursue something REAL!! Sigh. The trials of single life.

I hope everyone has a great rest of the week :) Til next time people.

Lovely Lianne ;) XO

Have You Ever Been To The Toronto Gift Show?

Ola!!!!! SO...I thought I'd write about the Toronto Gift Show that I went to this past weekend because my article won't really be able to talk about my own personal experience while there.

The morning started off quite early, which for me wasn't so fun considering it was my weekend "off" from my other jobs. I had to be at an awards show by 8:30 which meant that I had to set my alarm...which meant I had to hear my alarm...which meant I had to wake up. It could be a hit or miss generally. I decided to bypass the walking my dog part of the morning which for her was not very good and perhaps not a very good mommy thing to do, but I needed to function and get all the sleep I could get!!!  I didn't eat breakfast because I thought I'd only go for a couple of hours and was hoping there would be snacks there. I read the media sheet briefly to see where I was supposed to go and started my journey to The International Centre in Mississauga. When I arrived and went through the front doors of Hall 5, it was clear that I should have probably read the media sheet a little closer. I was supposed to be in an entirely different building to check-in. Oops. They were very accommodating however, and gave me a different coloured media pass until they could print me off a new one later on in the day. I just chatted with the girl in the lobby until my pass was given to me. I tried to fit in and pretend that I knew what this whole gift world was about but eff man that wasn't happening. What a world it is! The awards show itself was pretty cool as it was showcasing the 10 best products on the market for 2011 within different categories. I personally enjoyed the notebook made of limestone from Made By Humans. Pretty cool concept!!! The pages are water resistant! which is perfect for a water whore like me who spills shit on her papers all the time at work! When the awards show was over I sauntered into one of the halls where the general gifts were. I ran into a lady who made inspirational cards which is exactly what I wanted to do prior to doing this event gig. She said she was looking for writers so I'm going to jump on that!! SCORE! (check out her webpage at www.soultalk.ca). I went to a couple more booths but couldn't handle the amount of things to look at so I went to the media lounge and grabbed a coffee. By then I was debating whether or not I should go to the Congress Centre to view the rest of the booths. I decided to go based on the fact that there were free samples from all the different food vendors. Easy decision. Duh. Plus there was someone I met briefly before, running a stationary booth, so on I drove to the next venue. This venue was even more overwhelming than the last. There were so many rooms to visit! Blah! I squeezed my car in between two others which was a bad idea as it had been raining for a bit while I was driving over, which got my car wet, which in turn made my blue skirt wet on my ass as I got out of the car! Not a great impression as I'm trying to look professional as a media person. It looked like I was either sweating a lot or that I peed myself. First order of business when I stepped into the building was to dry my skirt. The walk to the washroom was really long and by the time I got there, there was hardly any wet spots on my skirt so I touched up my make up and started my walk to the food section. Wicked Gourmet was my first spot and they had fabulous dips! I tried all of them which was my breakfast for the morning. The Garlic Box was my second order of business which also had many dips and I tried all of those as well and discussed the many uses of garlic with the president of the company. If you ever get to Whole Foods try their garlic mashed potato mix!!! Amazing!!!!! And if you ever have a wart, use garlic and duck tape. Over the course of probably...10...minutes, I tried some amazing hazelnut truffles and almond gingerbread caramels from Saxon Chocolates (which I may have gone back to for seconds and talked to the president about his journey to getting to where he is now...www.saxonchocolates.com.), tried some butter tart samples from Rootham Gourmet (freaking amazing - www.roothamsgourmet.com), tried some cashew brittle from the Fudgery Shoppe, and some smoked salmon from Seachange Canadian Gifts. Their product has gone to space so obviously that needed to be eaten. I also found out one woman (who made amazing mustard's and sauces...and had chips with these sauces that obviously had to be eaten), secretly had a love of fonts. We discussed this for 20 minutes and the font choice for her bottles. There were many other stations as well, but I'm trying to avoid looking like a major pig.
     My next stop was Dave's booth which was impossible to find mainly because I can't read it seems. He works for Papere.clips which is a stationary company based out of North York. He does the graphic design there and it was neat to see all the products available that are sold within the big chains we shop at. Check out www.papereclips.com for any other information :) It was a pretty large display that looked like the size of a store!
    The entire experience of the Gift Show really showed me how hard it is to run a business, and sustain a business!!! There is so much competition out there! It's crazy! Good on you people for trying!! It's definitely a lot of work and you have to be passionate about it. I learned a lot about the whole trading part of retail, and really can say that I don't want to be a part of it!!! but thank you for letting me eat your food :)

Until next time people!!! Check out www.cgta.org if you want to learn more about the Toronto Gift Show and perhaps enter your own business as an exhibitor next year.



Bon Nuit!

Have You Ever Loved Unconditionally?

 

Accompanied by "All You Need Is Love" by The Beatles and "Everybody" by Ingrid Michaelson (great lyrics).

I haven't written a blog in a while so here it is! I'm writing about unconditional love this week because I've experienced a series of events these past few days that have produced immense anger inside. I don't like conflict AT ALL and do not like feeling this way, so I thought I'd write about love (more specifically unconditional love) to perhaps help get me out of this funk. 

As I walked my dog stewing over the issues I've been dealing with this week, I thought about how I could possibly muster up the strength to love unconditionally in the situation I am in. How can I possibly have my ego and my pride move to the side so I can send out love to this person that I'm allowing to wreak havoc in my life? How in the world did Mother Theresa do this?? How does the Dalai Lama do it? Why is it so hard much harder to love unconditionally than to continue being angry?? When I mention loving unconditionally I don't mean the romantic lovey dovey love, where hormones and lust are ruling us. What I am meaning is the kind of love that is pure, and comes straight from our hearts. This kind of love lacks judgment, and is fully and utterly complete. It is the type of love that is infinite, and not based on certain terms. Most of us probably feel that we ARE loving unconditionally, especially towards our family, friends, partners, etc., but are we? Are you letting those people be who they are without judgment? Or be who they are without expectations or demands? Are you letting them be free?? It is SO easy to judge someone based on your own perceptions of what is good or bad, and not accept someone for who they truly are. It is seemingly harder to love someone for everything that they are. In relationships of any kind, it is common to nag someone to death in order to get them to do things your way, or to try and have them live up to your standards or fit within the life YOU want. That is loving conditionally. It is the same as giving a gift with the expectation of getting something in return. How is that giving when there are strings attached?

"Hey if I give you this foot massage, can you give me three back massages because that's only fair?"

   SO how can we change this way of being so that we are all living in our hearts? It is a difficult task for sure as we live in a world full of negative media, consumerism, materialism, gossip pages, plastic surgery, greed, poverty, and so on and so on. It takes major discipline to detach yourself from all of the worlds madness and live in your heart centre. It takes major discipline to live in a more observational state of being rather than emotional state of being. By observing the world rather than reacting to the world we are able to see things clearer instead of basing our perceptions on our own emotional experiences. It takes awareness of our thoughts and our emotions to truly be able to love unconditionally. Emotions are a tricky thing and are easy to get wrapped up in. This is not saying that feeling emotion is a bad thing as it is what makes us human and alive, but learning to acknowledge the emotion, let go of it, and transmute it all into love is what is necessary. We are all put on earth to fulfill our own journeys (as I've mentioned before) and have our own personalities, and because someone doesn't fit within the mold you want for your own life, that does not make them bad or wrong. These differences need to be celebrated and loved as its what makes the world so exciting. The only way we will see the world change is by starting to love. Anger is great to kick start change, but love can kick start change as well. True love changes frequencies around us and within us, and is a universal language that can break the boundaries and limitations we are creating.  It makes us feel alive! It also is better for your health :) Think of the anxiety and physical pain negative emotions create in your life.

Additionally, when thinking about unconditional love, I can't help but think about the kind of love that's felt from our beloved pets who greet us at the door each day (or perhaps each minute) with this excitement and joy. Or that sit at our feet staring adoringly at us despite anything we may have done in our life that was deemed "wrong".  It has been said over and over again how pets are a true testament of unconditional love and this I feel is true. My dog is a little bit crazy but she is definitely a learning lesson for me in learning to love unconditionally and be accepting of others differences.  I was once walking her apologizing profusely for her psycho behaviour and this woman came up to me saying "you don't have to be sorry for who she is." She is who she is. Despite the fact that she is a little bit dangerous, the lesson did ring true and it made me really think. If we were being loved unconditionally we wouldn't have to feel the need to defend who we are to people. And if we were loving unconditionally we wouldn't be producing the need for someone else to defend themselves. 

Anywho...just some food for thought tonight. I have found some quotes that followed along the same lines as what I've said in this blog. I hope everyone has a fabulous evening and rest of the week. This definitely helped me clear some of my own thoughts.

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." ~ Thomas Merton

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get–only with what you are expecting to give–which is everything."~ Katherine Hepburn

"Love is, above all, the gift of oneself." ~ Jean Anouilh

"Love, true love, is that which can give the most without asking or demanding anything in return." ~ Mazie Hammond

"Love… What is love? Love is to love someone for who they are, who they were, and who they will be." ~ Chris Moore

"Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another’s personhood." ~ Karen Casey