Have You Ever Thought of What's Awesome?!

Accompanied by "Life Is Wonderful" by Jason Mraz. 

Yo!!!

SO I was reading The Book Of Awesome and started to think of all the little things in life that make my day or make me happy. With all that is happening in the world today, with war, and crime and negative media, it's nice to have a list of things that can perhaps lift your spirits and put things in perspective when you're having a bad day...or a bad month...or a bad year...or a bad life. I generally get excited over anything big or small and most people can attest to this so my list is rather long :) I've noticed after reading my list that a lot of it centres around the need to be free!! I will continue to add to this list even after I post this blog. I personally need to focus more on the positive rather than the negative and appreciate all the little things that create such positive feelings and moments in my life. So here it goes!!!!!

LIANNE'S LIST OF AWESOMENESS:

1. Being the first car at the stop light! Such a great feeling...ah. I win. 
2. Watching the sunset on my balcony and the sunrise if I'm up that early (so watching the sunset).
3. Anticipation of a first kiss. 
4. The excited feeling of having a crush on someone. 
5. LOVE!!
6. Full moons (not the bum kind). 
7. Swing dancing! 
8. My nephews!! Seeing them grow up has definitely been a joy to watch. 
9. The smell of spring. The best ever! And I used to love the feeling stepping onto the pavement with my running shoes again rather than my snow boots while walking to school! Freeeeedom!
10. Sunflowers
11. The smell of fresh cut grass!
12. The smell of some good cologne on a man. Sexiness.
13. The smell of freshly cleaned laundry.
14. Watching a crazy thunderstorm all cozied up in my house. 
15. Watching a movie bundled up while it's raining outside.
16. A perfect summer night 
17. Going to a town fair. Love those!! 
18. Small towns. Exploring them are so fun!!!!
19. Family dinners. 
20. Massey Hall. Best venue in Toronto. 
21. Scattegories! 
22. Fake bf's....that vibrate profusely. A godsend.
23. WRITING! 
24. Hall and Oates. Fleetwood Mac. CCR. The Band.
25. Hearing my dog snore under my bed or seeing her get startled and bark at garbage bags and rocks. 
26. Walking into my building and having the elevator be at the ground floor!!! How glorious.
27. Fresh cut flowers in my apartment
28. NATURE! Everything about it. Mother Earth is certainly beautiful and amazing. We are so lucky to be living in such beauty and should perhaps stop destroying it!!
29. Getting to sleep in! 
30. Hanging clothes out to dry in the summer. So relaxing!!!
31. ROAD TRIPS with friends!!!!! Good tunes...car snacks...books on tape!! Adventures. The best.
32. The feeling you get when in a drive-in movie. It brings me back to when I was a kid playing in the park in front of the big screen in my pj's before the movie started. I remember lining up for popcorn and seeing my dad fiddle with the connection to our antenna. I also remember throwing up that night after eating too much junk food. Gross.
33. The freedom to be able to get in my car and just drive. Open road, sunny day, great music, sunroof open. 
34. Windy nights. Such a comfy and cozy feeling. I love reading a book or just listening to the wind.
35. Sports. I can't live without them. Watching and playing!! I love competition. Jays games, Leaf games, Marlies games. 
36. Ping pong! Some great times at university with Homer and Reid in our house. 3 a.m. ping pong games. Amazing.
37. Having amazing chats with friends about life. 
38. Having great friends in my life.
39. Watching live music. It lifts my spirits every time!!!
40. It's awesome when I hear my most favourite song on the radio as I drive in to work. 
41. MUSIC IN GENERAL!! So many great songs out there...so therapeutic. 
42. BELTING out the tunes in my car and singing in general! Such a release!
43. Shopper's Drug Mart...honestly...I love looking at all the packaging and seeing all the new products. I am a designers dream!!! 
44. Art. I love the feeling of a blank canvas and what I'm going to create! 
45. SCHOOL! AS much as I was a procrastinator in school I love learning.
46. Grocery shopping at night. I love the music they play and I love being able to take my time. 
47. CHRISTMAS TIME!!!! My favourite time of year. I still want my parents to wait to put the presents under the tree until I've fallen asleep!!!
48. The first snow fall
49. Being snowed in. 
50. Spooning with someone.
51. A clean house...especially when a maid has come through! Such good energy after.
52. Being able to take a vacation!! Exploring and adventures. Love.
53. Bookstores!!
54. Purchasing a new book to read. I try not to crease the binding cause I love how new they look.
55. Buying something new...I love how perfect it looks and then I drop it and the feeling is ruined. Haha
56. Going on a bike ride. 
57. Going down east. My home away from home. Magic. 
58. Nacho dips and cheesy potatoes. Yumm.
59. Birthdays! And being able to share it with 3 other people in my family. My nephew, cousin and twin sister. 
60. Serendipitous occurrences. Life is wonderous.
61. Life in general. As much as it can be hard it's also a gift. I need to remember this and take it all in...good and bad.
62. The smell of freshly baked cookies.
63. My grandmas "peedogs" - Latvian treat!!! Rolls stuffed with bacon and onions!! Addicting.
64. Baking...I feel such a sense of accomplishment when I bake something that actually turns out to be good!! that is edible! 
65. Cooking! I need to make more time to experiment with new things.
66. Movies. 
67. Moonlit walks by the lake. 
68. Angels are awesome.
69. Animals!!
70. The Polar Bear Express at the Ex!!
71. Technology. I can't believe what we are able to do nowadays. As much as it can be a hindrance it's also amazing. Some incredible minds out there. 
72. Inspirational quotes. Thank god they are out there :) 
73. Office supplies. I just love them.
74. Marajewwanna. Sometimes it just has to be smoked. 
75. Crisp fall nights.
76. Bailey's on the rocks. 
77. Colin Firth
78. Bridget Jone's Diary. 
79. The feeling of opening up new food products you just bought! 
80. Listening to my dog eat her dog food. 
81. The smell of my dog. 
82. Jakey Bakey...RIP little man. He was the best dog in the world. 
83. Knitting. I miss my Grandma Phillips.
84. IKEA.
85. Feeling connected. I've been up in the clouds a lot during my life. It's nice to feel grounded to earth.
86. True joy. 
87. Art Galleries.
88. Queen Street in Toronto.
89. Photography.
90. Finding a hair elastic in my house! They seem to disappear quite often.
91. New running shoes. 
92. Amazing conversations with random people. Generally exactly what you need to hear at the time.
93. Batteries. What would we do without them??
94. Christmas lights.
95. Decorating my apartment for Christmas.
96. Watching break dancing! 
97. New York City
98. Musical theatre!!! I have always wanted to do that. 
99. The dollar store. It makes me happy.
100. The Apple store. 
101. Incense...especially Sandalwood.
102. India Arie!! She's absolutely amazing and inspirational. 
103. Listening to Motown music. 
104. A good stretch!!!
105. Old architecture! I love learning all the history.
106. The SNOOZE BUTTON!!!!! Such a great invention.
107. Hot showers and bubble baths!
108. A good massage! 
109. Getting snail mail or a random card from a good friend!! (Lindsay Turner I love you!)
110. Getting any mail that isn't a bill!
111. Getting a random message from someone you haven't heard from in a while on Facebook.
112. Youtube!!
113. Astrology and numerology. There is some truth to numbers and signs!!!
114. Sitting by the fire.
115. Going to the cottage
116. Sailing!!! and speed boats!
117. Watching fireworks (especially with someone you like). 
118. Long weekends.
119. Candles :)
120. Hot firefighters.
121. Being a Canadian!! I love Canada. 
122. Kayaking and canoeing. 
123. Beavers (men get your minds out of the gutter).
124. Old school cartoons!!! Smurfs yo!!!! Racoons! Alvin and The Chipmunks! Carebears (uh yah).
125. Ice skating in an outdoor rink at night. 
126. Holding hands.
127. Watching the leaves change colour.
128. Seadooing!
129. Silence. 
130. Star gazing in the country. 
131. Getting your hair cut!! You feel alive and sexy. Unless they butcher it. 
132. Cellphones. I'm addicted.
133. Hugs and kisses.
134. Farmers Markets. 
135. The smell of BBQ!!
136. The smell of restaurants in the air!
137. Slip n' Slide y'all!!! 
138. Running through the sprinklers. 
139. The smell of suntan lotion, the beach and the ocean!!!
140. Bonfires on the beach
141. When my coworkers surprise the office with timbits and coffee!
142. Surprise parties. 
143. The warmth of the sun
144. Indian summer...how is it so warm in November?!
145. The smell of fresh air in my apartment
146. Finding something I've lost (which is nearly everyday!!!) - Thanks for that one Katie :)
147. Finding money that you've left in one of your coat pockets months before!
148. Finding money on the ground
149. When someone says I'm a great server at the restaurants I work out. Feels good!
150. Vegas!!!!!! Sitting by the pool and the bar scene is ridiculous!! 
151. Hearing my cell phone ding when I get some sort of message! haha...addicted to the sounds. 
152. The sound of seagulls - reminds me of summer and the beach and a nice sunny day. AND it reminds me of the time they attacked my brother on the beach as he was running with his cheesy bag!
153. Apples and cinnamon
154. New paintbrushes
155. The feeling you get when you FINALLY get what you've wanted to get done...DONE!!!!! TOTAL RELIEF AND FREEDOM!!
156. Egg fights at Easter! 
157. Challenging your fears is pretty awesome :)
158. Eating an entire bottle of Nutella...from the bottle. On its own. Delicious. 
159. The Moonshine Cafe

Yeah yeah!! Life is grand.

Lovely Lianne :) XO

**A HAVE YOU EVER CLEANING SPECIAL WAY BACK PLAYBACK**

Accompanied by "Happy Happy Joy Joy" by Ren and Stimpy because at the end of this video this is how I feel after a day of cleaning!!!!

I had done this note a while back on my facebook and thought I'd add it to my blog!!! It's the day in the life of a gal with ADHD (ahem...me) trying to clean on her day off!!!! All in real time. Enjoy.

Oh how exciting! A day off! and what better thing to do then clean my apartment! I am letting you all into my cleaning day - a day full of multi-tasking, excitement, and...that's about it:

9:20 a.m: Woken up by Marla phoning me...so much for sleeping in til 11. Damnit.
10:00 a.m: Finish conversation and try to go to sleep. Am promptly woken up by my dog's "in heat" whimpering outside my door. F Maddie. I better go walk her so she can look for man dogs.

10:01 a.m: Phone call from Ginny. I guess the dog will have to wait. I need to start cleaning soon. Make potential plans for later in the day with Ginny.

10:18 a.m: Mom calls. Blah blah blah.
10:20 a.m: Ok...will walk the dog.
10:21 a.m: Should probably check Facebook first.
10:40 a.m: Ok..time for walk...sorry dog.
11:10 a.m: Back!! Time to get at 'er. Stare into space.
11:15 a.m: Maybe I should add pictures to Facebook first as I need to eliminate ALL potential distractions that will take away from me cleaning. Righto.

11:50 a.m: Pictures added. Time for breakfast. Can't clean without eating. May faint if I have wonky blood sugar. Can't have that. I live alone.

12:00 p.m: Set! Clean out my front hall drawer of mail. Sift through the mail on my living room floor. Make three piles on the floor. Recycle and two piles of shit I don't know what to to do with. Left on the floor. Will figure it out later. Recycle rest.

12:05 p.m: Sift through CD's for perfect music to clean to...settle on U2 (Joshua Tree) and Audioslave. Excellent.

12:20 p.m: Start cleaning my bedroom...sweep, sweep...move bed. Pet the dog. Move stuff from under my bed. Pet the dog. Get water for dusting. Dust a shelf. Finally realize why my sinuses are bad when I wake up in the morning.

12:43 p.m: Mel calls. We decide to go on Skype because my phone sounds like crap apparently. Tell her I need to clean so I can't be long.

1:22 p.m: Text message Megan saying I can meet at perhaps 4 but am cleaning.
1:23 p.m: Text message Homer back.

1:24 p.m: Phone call ends with Mel...oops. Call Ginny to let her know there are now very loose plans to meet tonight as I have decided to clean.

1:30 p.m: Back to cleaning my bedroom. Change the dirty water.
1:43 p.m: Mom calls again to see if I can get my nephew to get dressed. Don't know how I could possibly do that over the phone but proceed to talk in a high-pitched, squeaky voice. No luck. Hang up phone.

1:49 p.m. Brother calls. Want him to send me an important play list. He didn't do it.
2:00 p.m. Finish dusting my room. Now lunch! Macaroni & Cheese...nutritious. But fast. Have to clean.

2:10 p.m. Start to chronicle my cleaning day.

2:28 p.m. Done lunch. Back to cleaning. Time to wash the floor! Wow!
2:50 p.m. Done washing the floor. Can't believe how long this cleaning is taking. F.
2:51 p.m: Have to move everything back into my room. Ok. That needs to be done. Mental note. Start cleaning the kitchen.

2:52 p.m: Rinse dishes first. Think I need to drink some water. A little parched. Become depressed at how little food there is in my fridge. Need to grocery shop. Start to make grocery list before I forget.

3:00 p.m: Where's the cap to my water jug? F.

3:10 p.m: Start running water for dishes. Think about how bad this new dish soap smells. Add another new dish soap to my grocery list. Refreshing aromatherapy my ass! I don't smell Ylang Ylang...whatever that is. More like stale water. Maybe my pipes are bad. Need to get ask my landlord.

3:13 p.m: Start washing the dishes. Finally.
3:13 p.m: Start thinking about a realistic time to get together with Megan instead of 4 p.m. Maybe 8 p.m. or tomorrow. Way to ruin our plans cleaning. God.

3:40 p.m: Finish washing the dishes.
3:41 p.m: Move stuff back into bedroom. Shuffle the mail on the living room floor. Still don't know what to do with them. You are gonna stay riigght there.

3:53 p.m: Marla calls. Thank godddd! Cleaning is tiring. Needed a break.

4:18 p.m: Dusting again. Sweeping again. Dusting again. Sweeping again. Can't decide what to focus on first so why not interchange them every minute. Sinus headache forming. Should probably do this more often. Walk to the bedroom cause I don't want to do either.

4:42 p.m: Starting to get really frustrated that I can't find anywhere to put my shit. The two piles of mail are back in my drawer. F it.

4:48 p.m: Taking the dog for a walk. Need some fresh air and dust resistant furniture and apartment. My eyeballs feel like marshmallows.

5:12 p.m: Start cleaning the bathroom.
5:13 p.m: Just kidding. Dusting again. Have to finish what I started. Oooh...there's a dog barking. The wind is blowing. What should I make for dinner?

6:06 p.m: Half done bathroom. Decided to call Megan. Talked for an hour and told her I'm still cleaning 6 hours later. I'm gonna eat now. What can I make with half a cucumber and a basil plant? That can feed a whole village somewhere so if they can do it I can too.

ZONE OUT TIME.

10:28 p.m: In true Lianne fashion there is still shit to do...BUT it's ALMOST done. I have a sinus headache fully formed, my eyes are puffy, and I am thankful that I started with my bedroom.

HAPPY CLEANING!!!

Have You Ever Been Ruled by Your Emotions?

Accompanied by India Arie's "Slow Down". This would also be applicable to my Slow Down post!!!! BUT this entire song is where I'm at right now! It's like she's singing about my life!!!! Creeeepy. 

"So long as we are under the control of disturbing emotions, real happiness is hard to find." - Dalai Lama

A change in tune after that lovely Friends With Benefits discussion, but something I've been struggling with these past few weeks that I thought I would share.

After a rather over-indulgent summer (but lots of fun nonetheless!!) I've felt the need to go into a period of hard reflection to get back on track with life. I suddenly had enough of whatever was happening in my life (decisions I was making, where my focus was being directed) and needed to just stop and be still for a little while. Perhaps it was the change of seasons that provided a catalyst for this, but whatever it was I felt the need to retract a bit. I have been reading some great books lately (10-10-10 by Suzy Welch is awesome!), going on some long walks by the trees and water close to my house, getting back to the gym FINALLY, and trying to get back into mediating. Yes MEDITATING!!! I can hear the collective gasp around the world. Most people feel this is an impossible feat for someone like me, or are shocked to know that I in fact took meditation classes that had me sitting in silence for a 45 WHOLE MINUTES without moving!!!!!! Impressive I KNOW! It was quite the accomplishment letting my constant flow of thoughts sail right through my head without attaching myself to them. PFFFFT...OK...just kidding...so I attached myself to some of them, but nevertheless, I didn't vocalize these thoughts to anyone at that particular moment like I normally would so yay for freakin me! YAY I SAY!!! (Homer...I had an inner filter!!! haha let your mom know!)  Meditating is an important and necessary factor to finding clarity in your life and to feel inner peace. It allows us to silence all the chaos and emotional turmoil that resides in any one of us, and helps release those negative emotions or find truth and hear what our hearts have to say. It helps us discipline our minds and let our emotions simmer down - which means allowing ourselves to detach from them!!! This is freakin hard to do I tell you! I have definitely been ruled by my emotions more often than not which doesn't come as a surprise to anyone!! I am one that is quick to react which is not uncommon for people to do, but something that would be best to control. Who hasn't yelled at the 89 year old woman in the car in front of you going 40 in a sixty when you're late for work though?! Or who hasn't scoffed at the person with 17 food items in a 16 item lane??! Or who hasn't made things worse in their head (or perhaps an entirely different scenario) than what's actually happening in reality?  I'm only human damnit!! *sob* There really has to be a balanced state of heart and mind because that is where you'll find happiness and contentment. I've longed for that inner peace and sense of contentment, but I give into my ego and reactions too often because quite honestly it's harder to NOT react than to just calm down and find another way to solve the issue at hand.

Sometimes we actually LIKE to get caught up in the excitement or drama of a situation as it makes you feel alive or that you are feeling at all (whether it be blowing things out of proportion with your boyfriend or husband (with hopefully a damn good make-up session after), or getting so excited over chocolate that you're shaking inside). It becomes as addicting as a drug however, as you start to feed off the high whether it's good or bad. The feeling becomes familiar and you start to associate certain situations with this type of feeling. This way of living is not really living at all as there is a lack of stability associated with it. It causes stress on the body and mind and should be nipped in the bud. Once the adrenaline dies down the other extreme presents itself and its not that fun. I have struggled with feeling content when nothing is really going on in my life and when my emotions I guess are at a balanced point (which is generally thought of as a good thing to most people!!!). I equate this straight lined emotional level as having a lack of purpose and start to feel bored and like I'm not living life to its potential. I then search for the next thing that will make my life more exciting. It's a vicious circle!!!! I have to remember that it is OK to be at a stand still; to be calm at times; and to rest and be patient with life. This doesn't mean I can't have that zest for life, it just means I can have that zest for life with a clearer heart and mind!  It is not wasting time letting life unfold by itself. And it is not being a boring old person if I am NOT letting my emotions rule my world. Being grounded is the way to be apparently *sigh*.

Anywho...those are my thoughts right now. This clearly is nothing like the last post but hopefully someone can relate to this one!!!!

Til next time (which will be after Vegas...eek. Trouble fo sho biatches!!! Definitely won't be grounded there!!)

Lovely Lianne ;) XO

Have You Ever Had a Back-Up or a Friend With Benefits?

Accompanied by "Booty Call" by G.Love and The Special Sauce.

Hiro!!

I was going to write about something else this week but my co-worker and I from a restaurant I work at engaged in an interesting conversation topic the other night. It was about emergency sex. Or a "Back-Up Reserve". OR FWB (Friends with Benefits). Or simply put...Fuck buddies. There were two whole movies made about this topic this past year or two, and numerous stories and articles written about it, which led me to ask the question: Has anyone had (or has) someone like that in their life? It's really the perfect set up to satisfy your needs when you are single and do not want a relationship (or do not have any prospects at that time). You trust that person...you're attracted to that person (or perhaps not really)...and that person is just as ready to go as you are. Perfect deal if you can keep your feelings from squashing this set-up!! For me I've only had a few back-ups in my lifetime (when I was at school) and have been approached by a few friends to engage in this FWB thing. If I were drunk maybe I would do my friends but I can't just have sex with them if I'm not feeling any attraction there. Sex without that animalistic passion of wanting to rip someone's clothes off isn't really that fun!!!! It's just sex then, and personally I'd feel like a prostitute if the attraction wasn't mutual. I don't want to be pretending to make sounds of enjoyment when I could actually be making sounds of enjoyment because I was enjoying it.

HIM: This feels so good doesn't it?
ME: Uh...oh...oh...oh. Yah...totally.

I often wonder if people can really carry on doing this for a long period of time without getting their feelings involved. Personally I don't think many people (maybe more women then men) can and I certainly can't. We aren't robots, and deep down people want to feel that connection with someone and not see it as just sex. Doing it once or twice is alright but continuous intimacy will form attachment eventually. That friend or back-up starts to look mighty fine and you start to wonder if there could be a future together. Once that scenario starts in your head freakin ABORT!!!! if it's only sex you are after and if you want to still remain friends at the end. You don't want to feel like you're breaking up with someone or feel like you are being used when its all said and done.

Here are some of the many rules to follow that I found in my research that helps a FWB situation to successfully continue (mainly for woman) without emotions getting involved:

1. Don't Try to Change Them. This is a sure recipe to getting hurt. It's supposed to be casual and fun with no strings attached. They don't have to fit into the boyfriend/girlfriend mold in your head.

2. Don't Be the Affair. Self-Explanatory.

3. Don't Be Exclusive. Date other guys or else you'll become attached to this one situation. And don't go out the bar with your back-up if you're looking to pick up other people. What if you didn't pick someone up and they did? Claws may come out.

4. Communicate. If you don't want to do it anymore say it before things get weird, hurtful and just shitty.

5. Don't Force or Expect Them To Do "girly/boyfriendy" Things. It's not a relationship of that kind so don't make it like it is.

6. Be Understanding. If your FWB finds someone else in the process of effing, be happy for them and move on.

7. Don't Be Dependent. Do not look for a few "benefits" to make yourself feel desirable or pretty.
8. Be SAFE!!! You don't want a baby with this dude/chick...or an STD.
9. Have FUN! That's the whole point isn't it?

10. Set Up Some Ground Rules First. Make sure you air out all the boundaries and rules before you start the deed. Time, place, who you are going to tell, etc.

11. Set Up a Time Frame. The more you eff the more it's going to be harder to break it off for one of the parties involved. Set up a time frame of how long this can go on for.

12. DO NOT HAVE EXPECTATIONS OF ANY KIND!! Except for respect of course.You shouldn't feel cheap or devalued.

13.AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD (from me)...DO NOT enter into a FWB "relationship" PRETENDING this is all you want if you have been secretly in love with this friend or guy/girl of yours. Your mad sexual acrobatic skills will not woo them into wanting you all of a sudden (unless you're Jenna Jamieson in bed perhaps).  Rule #11 won't come by easily along with all the other rules for that matter! And conversely, DO NOT get into a FWB with someone you know has liked YOU forever just to suit your own needs (as you know it would be a sure thing). Being completely selfish isn't the name of this game as you ARE friends first.

Anywho for those that can do this...good on you!!!  To have sex with someone you've cared about as a friend and person in general is a little harder and could be dangerous territory to cross into. There is definitely nothing wrong with trying to fulfill a human need and have some fun along the way. It's if you can handle it that's the issue.

Those are my thoughts!!!! Have a great day everyone!

Lovely Lianne ;) XO

Have You Ever Had Troubles Keeping the Faith?

Accompanied by "Strength, Courage and Wisdom" by India Arie. Perfect lyrics. OR George Michael's "Faith" which has nothing to do with this blog topic but who doesn't like a little George Michael??!

Sorry for being MIA! It's been a crazy last few weeks for me after coming back from vacation. Work...work work...fun...work, fun, work. Fun. Some very interesting opportunities coming my way though so we shall see where life takes me soon! In the midst of all this craziness a few revelations were presented to me:

1) I need to calm my hormones down. Like seriously...eff.
2) I need to buy groceries eventually. Surviving on fridge air isn't working so much.
3) I need to be less like a guy and perhaps more like a girl.
4) I need to feel I deserve more than what I'm accepting.
5) I should really go back to the gym I've been paying for for the last 9 months. 
6) I don't know what I'd do without the invention of batteries. Thank the effing lord.

ANNNNDDDDD....

7) I need to have more faith and learn to let go of situations that don't serve me well!!

Faith faith faith. G. Mike sang about it, we are told to live by it, religions swear by it (let go and let God), but sometimes it's not that easy!! Perhaps it's the Virgo in me coming out wanting to control everything and anything, or maybe its the lack of stability growing up that makes me weary of having faith in anything, but letting go and having faith and trust has always been a somewhat difficult thing to grasp. It's tough to have faith when your life is stagnant and you have no effing clue what lies in front of you. It's hard to have faith when you repeatedly don't get what you want in life (jobs, relationships, money!! etc.) If there is a higher power up there listening to me and my ego ridden requests, why isn't he/she/it giving me what I'm asking for damnit??! Pssshhhaw. With all this said, it's the lack of faith in the universe, and lack of trust and confidence in my intuition and abilities that has lead me down the road called Constant FUCKING FRUSTRATION!! Like really. I tend to beat my head against a wall quite a bit over things that I KNOW won't work out but I don't want to let go of because I don't have the complete faith that something better will come along. If you've tried everything to get a situation in your life to work because you WANT it to work, even with your gut screaming at you to freaking stop the madness, then that's where faith HAS to come in and the surrendering has to start. Its wasteful to exert that much energy that can be directed to something more positive! This over attentiveness to the useless situation is also providing the perfect blindfold to the perfect opportunity that you've been waiting for forever that's right in front of your face. On the other side of the coin, there are times I don't take any action AT ALL because I'm too afraid and don't have any faith in my own self or the gifts that I've been given. I will procrastinate and do everything in my power to avoid putting myself in a place of vulnerability just in case I fail. Eventually life forces me to take action but with much resistance (control control control!!).
   Essentially by trying to control everything in life, you aren't leaving much breathing room to let things flow  how they are supposed to. You become riddled with anxiety and your knuckles turn white due to how tightly the reigns are being held. Things cannot be forced to happen whether we try hard or not. The universe has a mind of its own unfortunately. This past year I've been trying REALLY hard to just let go and let the universe do its thing. There is constant struggle between what my mind is wanting and what my intuition is saying. However despite my control issues and lack of faith in certain situations, I still have always believed that there is a purpose or plan for us and that we just need to be aware and listen to the cues we receive in life to fulfill this purpose. My issue is that I'm impatient and want things to happen at this instant, and I take control of things when it's not the right time. Theeeen I start to lose hope and faith because nothing is working in my favour. I'm trying to live with the belief that opportunities will present themselves to me at their own time, that will move me forward in the direction I desire. Whatever is meant to be will be, and when a door closes hopefully a huge ass door will open in its place. It's much less stressful taking this approach than carrying all the pressure on my own shoulders. There is no need to carry the burden when there is help and guidance out there to support me. Even if we don't see in the moment why things are happening in our lives that may be less than desirable, hindsight eventually comes in and there is a sudden realization of why all the shit happened in the first place. Starting the writing thing has certainly made me feel like I'm on some sort of track, which in turn has helped me let go of the frustration attached to other aspects of my life. I feel like life is starting to move upward and I feel that this year is going to be a great one. I will keep the faith that I'll meet the right guy, find the right profession that suits me, become a successful writer, and perhaps settle down and have kids one day (although I'm scared of producing devil children!!!) It will all happen when the time is right :) But please God...if you're listening...can you make it happen sooner than later??? Pretty please? ;)

Love ya's!!!!
Lovely Lianne :) XOXOX

Have You Ever Been to Bouctouche?

Accompanied by some Acadian Music!!!

Hey yoooo!!! SO I haven't written in a while mainly because I've been running around like an ant that's ready to be stepped on. My birthday just recently passed (the big Christ year...33!!!!!) and what better way to celebrate than to kick it off with an East Coast roadie! WOOOOHOOO! My mother, brother, his girlfriend Erin and I were all going down for my cousins wedding and I was super excited!!!!! This road trip was a bit different from my last ones due to the fact that I decided to drive up by myself. They went up a day before. The main reasons for that were:

1) I got in a fight with my Mom and probably would have thrown myself out of the car at the 2 hour mark of our trip. Period. The trip was great though with her and I :)
2) My birthday was the day before my family was to leave...aatttttt 6 a.m. Eff that. I would have been hungover...sleep deprived...and unprepared. And hungover.
3) I was unprepared.
4) I wanted to experience the liberation of driving by myself somewhere and seeing if I could actually arrive at my destination relatively in tact.
5) I wanted to see how long it would have taken before I went stir crazy and started to talk to my steering wheel...and or the imaginary passenger beside me...and or the people beside me in traffic. And or the dust bunnies floating around in my car. There ARE one hundred million of them so conversation would have certainly been continuous.
6) I wanted a chance to be with myself and reflect on my life!!! And reflect I freakin did. Definite changes needing to be made.

So off I went on September 1st at 5:30 a.m....my 33rd year in full effect and my eyes barely open. My dog wanted to attack me as I said goodbye which wasn't the kind of goodbye I had hoped for. Bitch. I had gotten up at 4 a.m. to pack the rest of my stuff which was still hanging up wet from the AFTERNOON before. Like seriously?? Awesome. I did the last minute check around to see if all was OK for my friend Deana who was staying at my place to look after the dog. I even cleaned for her. I almost didn't want to leave because I was enjoying my clean apartment so much *sigh...I am such a great friend* It was still dark out when I left and I looked like crap. I drove down the 401 with nothing but open road in front of me and a sense of absolute freedom! The sun was starting to come up, traffic was non-existent, my music was blaring, my voice was starting to come back which made it much easier to screech out the songs from my Ipod, and my eyes were becoming less foggy. I passed through Ontario snacking on all the shit I bought and sailed into Quebec with ease, which is where I unfortunately ran into my first snag. As I was belting out the tunes and loving life, my foot was also loving its life. The more I got excited the more my foot got excited and the more the gas peddle was getting excited. It was SOOO strange how that was all happening.  It was too late before I noticed the cop car sitting to my left waiting for easy targets like me to nail (and not in a sexual way). Fucker. Of course being from Ontario and as my friend pointed out, having a Leafs border around my license plate, I was fucked. I wonder if he noticed the expired sticker as well and if my unpaid Quebec parking ticket from three years ago would come up on his records. I quickly slowed down to 110 and slowly switched over to the right lane. I was hoping he would just leave me alone, but theeeen his stupid ass colourful lights came on and I had to move onto the shoulder. I slowly opened my window staring at him all doe eyed, batting my eyelashes a bit.

Cop: "You were going 128 and it's 100 here (pretty sure I was going 140 but whatever dude)."

Me: "I know....I'm trying to get to New Brunswick (yelling that excitedly! maybe he would get excited too I thought!) You should really get off the side of the road because there are a lot of trucks flying by."

My fake concern didn't work.  He went into his car to write me a ticket. Eff man. I tried not to let this bring my mood down, and started to pay better attention to my speed demon ways (which really meant...140 140 140 oops I'm going 140. 120 120 130 135 140...oops I'm going 140....) I took a power nap at 3:30 for 15 minutes and I felt more alive for the second leg of my drive. I crossed the New Brunswick border at 6:30 and a half hour before I reached my destination I got lost. It was 10:30 by that time, and I went down the wrong highway having a slight panic attack on the phone with my cousin. It was dark, the road signs said I was on my way to PEI, and I was afraid of moose and deer attacking me. BAH! I pulled off on the side of the road with cold sweats and a palpitating heart. My cousin directed me back to where I was supposed to go which I half listened to in the midst of my panic. Thankfully I wasn't far off from the correct highway exit. A half hour later I MADE IT!!!!!! And I was alive!!!!! My cousins and my mother were waiting up for me relieved that I didn't die. I felt happy that I accomplished something and it was so great to see my family.

I've been going to Bouctouche since I was a kid. My mother's side all live there, and it's one of those towns where you have to pray to god that you're not making out with one of your family members (its pretty small). It is a half hour away from Moncton, and is absolutely magical. We are the offspring of the Bouctouche Mofia...a clan made up of some powerful sisters whom can make news travel within 5 seconds of the news being delivered to one of them. I feel quite lucky to be a part of this family.  There is so much creativity and hard work that runs through our blood and so much love. We used to have amazing bonfires at my cousins cottage on the beach with all the neighbouring cottages joining in, and of course a few cute boys attending (that were probably my cousins). I remember having crushes on Michel and Julian, and trying to be set-up with a guy named Maurice. Those were the days. We would make trips to the beach (trying to avoid the disgusting jellyfish in the Bay of Fundy), visit my grandparents and my great-aunts and cousins (who tried desperately to teach us Chiac..which is really Frenglish - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chiac), and we would stop in at The Dixie Lee for some greasy food.  I remember this one summer my cousins Danielle and Michelle and my sister and I all went into Moncton to watch Free Willy. I would say we were probably 14 or so and when we sat down, there was a bunch of teenagers that sat down beside us and in front of us. There was this guy that sat beside me and the whole movie we would have our one arm and leg pressed together. Oh Free Willy. Oh boys. Such innocence. So many great memories. I was lucky to have two of my best friends come down with me one year as we all went on an East coast road trip. It was nice to show them how I spent many of my summers and have them meet my family.

The next four days of this years trip were amazing. We couldn't have asked for better weather, and we were even able to go to the beach and chill out for a few of the days. We made day trips to Moncton and to PEI which was super fun, and no one killed each other in the car which was a bonus! The wedding for my cousin Denis and his now wife Kristin was beautiful. It was intimate and full of love (and I cried which I don't normally do at weddings)! They had a great band, some really cool hand made pinwheel centre pieces (in lieu of flowers!) and I was able to catch up with all of my cousins I haven't seen since last year. A lovely evening for sure and I'm so happy for them!!!!

A couple of days after the wedding I may have driven with my parking break on for probably 15 minutes..up a hill...unnoticed until my brother and Erin heard a loud screeching sound. I didn't even realize that sound was coming from my car! When we got out of the car there was smoke coming out of both back tires and a lovely burning smell. God damnit. We had just come back from the beach so my mind wasn't in the right place clearly!

I feel hopeful for the year to come :) After having an incredible two hour conversation with my cousin Sylvio the last day I was in Bouctouche, I was able to put my life into perspective. Things are certainly shifting in a good direction so here is to an amazing year 33!!!!! I arrived back in Ontario 11:30 Tuesday night after an 18 hour drive that went surprisingly well (minus getting lost in Montreal for a bit). Can't wait for the next time :)

Some pics for your viewing pleasure:

Beach!!!!!

Eco Centre in Bouctouche. A good portion got ruined by a storm recently.

Bonfire at my cousins house when I went up with my friends

"Downtown Bouctouche"

Hope everyone is doing amazing!!!!! Au revoir! :)

Lovely Lianne xoxo

Have You Ever Been Afraid of Love?

Accompanied by "I Wanna Know What Love Is" by Foreigner. Fun song to scream out in the car. 

I can't believe it's the end of August already!!!!! Four more days until I turn....18. Sheesh. Where the time has flown eh?

These past few months I've really been talking a lot about love and all the stuff surrounding that word. Unconditional loooove....hook-uuuupsssss....daaaaating...all fun stuff. With all this talk about love I have come to a conclusion that...I am in LOVE with LOVE (or maybe the idea of love)!!! I AM! And I freakin' love boys as my friend Dave pointed out this week (well more men than boys because that would make me a pedophile/puma/cougar and I refuse to be labeled...psh). Thanks as well Dave for posting that on my Facebook wall. I am definitely a romantic at heart and have loved the idea of relationships since I was in day care (and that's no joke!!!) I remember exchanging buttons with a boy at the sandbox when I was probably four. Now I remember people pressing my buttons if you know what I mean...woot woot!! (too much info for some people but whatever!) I cry at all the sappy romantic comedies (and love all the making out/sex stuff...yeah yeah). I love the excitement of someone new in my life. I love the banter and the flirting in the beginning. I love daydreaming about where it could possibly lead, and all the things we could do together. I love seeing old people holding hands at the restaurant still engrossed in conversation like they just met (or maybe they did just meet but regardless it's super cute). Like what could you possibly still talk about??! I love all of it from afar because it's not going to break up with me that way. Pathetic eh?? I theeeeeeen start to freak out when there is a possibility that love could actually happen to ME and a new situation could actually turn out! Holy mother of God! A relationship!!!! For someone who loves love I should be more excited about the possibilities of love, however I am not. I may have become a bit jaded over the years observing certain marriages in my immediate family, or seeing the divorce rate rapidly climbing...or seeing people cheating on each other all the time. I'm actually petrified of the reality of love and the possibility of rejection and people getting bored of me. There is such a deep seeded fear of being unloved and major fears that I'm not worthy of love. I'm also pretty independent so until the right guy comes a long I'm pretty fine with being single. I tend to pick guys that are a bit of a challenge and give me bread crumbs for attention (or are total flakes). Things start off great in the beginning - there's flirting, attentiveness, and mutual interest, and then as my interest starts to show a bit more I start to get taken for granted. For instance, typical texting conversations start to go like this:

Me: Hey there! How's it going? How was your weekend?
Him: Good.
Me: What did you do? Was it fun?
*five hours later*
Him: Bar. Yah. (didn't think that that question took a large amount of thought)
Me: Cool!
Him: **TUMBLE WEEDS AND CRICKETS**
Me: K...see ya.
Him: **TUMBLE WEEDS AND CRICKETS**

Asshole.

OR It's this:

Me: Hey :) What's up?
NO ANSWER.

Fuck you then.

I pretend that this doesn't really bother me and don't really say anything to avoid any conflict, but it effing does bother me! Am I not worthy of a simple answer (and for anyone I have done that to I am seriously sorry!)? The worst is, is if I don't contact them for a week they will write me to see what's going on and where I've been but then not answer after a few messages. Why are you bothering buddy? Are you checking to see if I'm still pining over you? Damn egos. No...I'm not pining over you. I'm avoiding you and your nonsense behaviour. HAH! SO THERE! I could be attracting these people because I subconsciously know they aren't available emotionally and have their own commitment issues or could be attracting them because I feel that's what I deserve deep down inside. I tend to waste more time on the guys that aren't worth my time than see the great guys in front of me. This has been my predicament. Allowing yourself to receive the right kind of love means that you have to also love yourself wholeheartedly. And by loving yourself, I mean loving ALL parts of yourself. Loving your big feet, or your personality. Loving the fact that you explode with anger or have a bad day. Loving your past and your soul. If you love yourself you won't accept any shit from other people because you know you deserve the best. This has been a battle I've faced for a while, but have slowly started to conquer. I have always felt I needed to defend or justify who I am because obviously I am not a wallflower in this world and people like to throw out their opinions. I tend to have believed most of these opinions and started to feel like a defect or ashamed. I know I'm a bit too much to handle at times...perhaps having a bit too much energy, or perhaps being a little bit too loud most times but sometimes I can't help that!! I know I talk too much, and run around like a 5 year old but that's me god damnit! I have to just accept that I'm not made for everyone and to not take things personally and move on to people who do appreciate me. And that goes for all people in my life. It doesn't mean I'm undeserving of love.

I'm going on a date tonight with a truly nice guy who actually carries on a conversation, who planned out the date, and who is genuinely excited to go on this date. I, on the other hand, am kind of scared. This all seems too easy. I'm waiting for the ball to drop or for myself to just sabotage it. We are going golfing so hopefully I don't hit anything I'm not supposed to. If anything it will be good practice to be courted and to be treated with respect (even if it doesn't work out in the end). Wish me luck!!!

Lovely Lianne :) xo